Today I woke up feeling lost and confused like my mind was just empty. It’s not depression or anxiety I simply feel like an empty brain and truly unhappy, not happy at all and the struggle is most definitely real and the tears kicked in. I’m at a miserable state of anger in my life, angry that I’m suffering with so much in my body and mind. Angry at men all of them that has come into my life, and when I say all of them I genuinely mean that. Because somewhere starting from my daddy every man has failed me in some way. And it’s like I pray to release them, and sometimes I wonder if I just be talking to the air? Because mentally, spiritually, emotionally I end right back up in the same ocean of failure as if I’m drowning and it’s suffocating.

I want a happy life with whatever life I have left and yet the way the raggedy system is set up. The system and everything else makes it harder, even when you try to do things as an entrepreneur etc it’s hard. Because of the lack of support, or people feeling like I’m not about to support her based off their judgement. Or simply because they know someone else that makes what you make 🙄 literally I can make just about anything. If I see someone has made something cuter, and something I like I’m going to get it if I can regardless of if I can make it aren’t. I do it to support others, just like people go to different locations of McDonald’s and purchase and they have the same menu.

I also simply don’t know if I’ll ever step foot into a church again. Not just because of one person either I was genuinely hurt in many ways, disloyalty, lies, betrayal, gossiping, slander and bullying. All because I simply loved too much that was the source of the whole problem, and yet I didn’t get there by myself. Something’s one person done on purpose and know it. The apologies I deserve, and the please forgive them I deserve yeah so no I just don’t know. Woke up heavier and it’s like everything, is just becoming an overload and I’m simply so tired of fighting everything. From the system, to the lack of moral support.

The day I set my enemy free.

I had never been at a point in my life where I actually hated someone. The sight of this person made me cringe in anger, so much anger it started to stress my mind and then brought darkness over my soul. I told this person how much I hated the thought of him, and while he found every curse word in the book to call me for something he done to me. I used what I am gifted at(writing) to cut him so deeply and take away what little manhood he thought he had left. I didn’t care but it needed to be done, I can get to anyone mind just by speaking the truth. I know I broke him it was my revenge and my way of helping God speed his punishment up, so I thought.

Until one day I heard God say apologize, I was like huh? For what he hurt me and took something from me. God said apologize again… I felt like I couldn’t breathe, I was heavy, angry, broken, and evil in my own way to this being that the evil started to drain me of my good. I have walked in forgiveness before but this time was different, this person intentionally set out to hurt me just because. Because he had nothing but evil in his heart, I immediately knew I had to set him free!!!! So I did what my Father said after seeking Gods forgiveness, and I apologized to my enemy. I told him I was sorry for acting evil towards him, even though he was deserving of everything coming his way but I no longer will play a part in it. I told him I had forgiven him, and that he no longer had power over me or my mind! I told him evil isn’t who I am or how my heart is meant to be, I told him I serve a God that is mighty and holds all power. I told him I hold nothing else against him, but forgiveness and I hand him over to God. And for him to be blessed thinking to myself, he will simply need it.

The point to this blog is yes we will go through in life, God never said it would be easy. And we will have people that hurt us, betray us, lie to us, lie on us, gossip about us, and use us. But we don’t have to become that pain, that will cause you to lose sleep and feel sick in your mind. Because you are all stressed out and broken, allow God to fix those broken pieces and never forget no matter how hard it gets. That God is the Vindicator, He said He would repay and simply put, we cannot beat God being God. Yes, it may seem like He is taking too long for our liking sometimes. But trust me when I say He is always on time, be free and don’t become the slave of your enemy by allowing them to keep power over you. Rebuke and return the attack to sender, stamp it with the blood “Voided” and watch everything work out in your favor. No matter how difficult it may get we must do our will, to stay in the plan of God!

When they don’t hear you…

No weapon formed against me shall prosper right?
I can do all things through Christ that strengthen me right?
I’ve never seen Him forsake the righteous right?
For if you just wait on the Lord He shall renew your strength and you shall mount up with wings like a eagle 礪 right?

Mosses went through the storms and seas and him and his people wandered in the wilderness for 40 days and it only should’ve taken them a few. I’m not Mosses and his people I don’t live in Egypt and yet I question why my Exodus hasn’t come yet?

Everyone wants me to be BIGGER than my offenders and yet I ask what about me? How much more can they take from me? Why do I have to be BIGGER? I’m simply going to be still and wait for a response because you said You would handle my problems right? Well, I have a few that need reprimand. I have a few that really need to understand who You are.. Because I’ve been tired and I know this is what has drained my spirit and soul, and I’m left with the turmoil to heal completely from. And if one more person quotes the bible to me leaving out scriptures, we genuinely are going to have a huge problem.

It kinda reminds me of the whole time they told us no matter what to honor thy mother and father so your days on this earth shall be longer(used it as a tool of fear)

*Not speaking on that same bible saying “Parents provoke not your children to wrath.”

Can’t have one without the other and it’s the main problem so many provoke people to wrath in more than one way. Feeling as if they didn’t do nothing & they did so much wrong, if I have to hear Forgiveness isn’t for them it’s for your healing. And selfish people get away with not seeking forgiveness & apologizing for offending people. Especially when they know better I just might scream literally.

Strength for the Storms of Life.

There I was sitting in my bed on this windy day and a storm started twirling in my head it was like a volcano waiting to erupt. And usually this is when I go on a path like Storm from the Wolverine, prepared to bring the seas and the sharks with me.

The troublesome words of mental abuse from someone who’s supposed to love you. Bringing you down even to a lower point is traumatic, it’s a never ending trauma  I forgive and yet I can’t forget. Words have power and yet it’s been my mission to do my best to not allow Authority over me, and yet I struggle with how do I bury it for the rest of eternity? How do I keep what was said to me away from me and be at peace with I am only what I answer to, I’m tired of always seeming like the villain when I refuse to put up with certain things.

Where’s the complete healing from the damage done and so much more? I don’t need nobody but God watching out for me and leading me, I wish I could put my finger on why a certain being still remains the same in so many ways? I wish I could put my hands on why, the man that showed me a better way in the beginning turned out to be the most traumatic heartbreak ever? Yes you were a friend, yes you were so much to me. Yes you were the one I called on and felt close to, It didn’t happen by myself you played a huge part from the beginning.

Just a day of reflection

You knew what you meant to me and for a while I feel like you played on that. I feel like you adored the attention and I feel like you judged me without really knowing me, of course there were times you made me so mad with your wishy-washy ways and indecisive mentality. I feel like if you were never interested and thought anything could be, you had a choice. You should’ve never used my number and the times I gained strength to say enough with the games, and I would literally stop talking to you. I deeply feel you should’ve kept “Those I’m checking on you text”. I loved you dearly and even through your wrongs. I’ll love you infinity ♾️

Entrepreneurship

Being an entrepreneur is never easy and I know I’m doing everything right and that’s what bothers me. I don’t create ugly stuff as a creator, I am very gifted in every area of design when it comes to handmade jewelry and creating fabulous presson nails for women who don’t like to wait hours in the nail salon. I just want my business to pick up and get to a place where I know it should be, I have been at this for two years now and I need to reach that mark of, I created a brand that’s well known.

So ladies if you get a chance check out my website and my beautiful jewelry that was created with Love. http://lovelyjewelss2.square.site/

Blessed Bracelet

Just a glimpse at some of the beautiful items I created.

I want to be a brand that caters to every fashionista that likes style and to switch her look up from time to time. Lovelyjewelss 💕

Eternal Love

I believe I wrote about this before some years ago and yet the feeling remains. I’m now older and wiser and I’m more than sure for many reasons that man was my soulmate, he just never gave us a big enough chance due to the pride deep within him. And I still highly believe who I was connected to played a huge part, today I had a break down and I could feel that ache in my heart as if a part of me is missing and literally had to grab my chest to calm my breathing and the pain. I understand this will never genuinely leave now, because when you genuinely love someone you will always love them eternally through the good and bad.

I went down the list again today and as God is my witness it wasn’t this man looks that made me fall for him, truth is I didn’t see him in the beginning & he made me see him(God I wish we can rewind I would’ve continued to ignore him) It was his soul, the way he smiled, the way he was always there for everyone including me. The way he prayed over me& with me& the respect I had for him, the submission I had to him& anything he needed me to do I did it. Yes I might have kept my distance some, and yet this man knew my every secret he knew the pain I suffered through with men. So when he promised me no one would come between us(and our bond would never be broken) out of all the men that betrayed me it’s him betraying me that lingers in my soul. I would’ve never thought he would’ve did half the things he did, I know he loved me& I know he saw something special in me as I did him. And God is my witness if he didn’t love me in whatever case he would’ve never told me, when he felt drained that one Sunday and came straight to me to hug me. I wish I would’ve held him a little tighter, I wish I could have that moment back. I needed him and it hurts to be without him& I kinda believe I’m better off away, because I refuse to go through the control from another and the lack of care(It’s been 9 years) I don’t care if it was 20. I’m tired of the protection of others by this person, and always throw me under the bus. There’s so much I know that was done and the actions of this person, that makes me ify of should I show up for anything. And yet I hand grace all the money in the world could never undo the damage he helped cause, and yet I forgave.

Panic Attacks Disorder

I’m supposed to be living and enjoying life and yet every single day is a battle with panic disorder. Does anyone else go through this nightmare? And if so what do you do to cope& help yourself to get through it all?

The Bible

Do you remember your favorite book from childhood?

Lately : I really dislike you Panic Disorder.

I can do all things through Christ that strengthens me

Oh wow where do I start? I would like to give this a proper name & the only thing I can think of is “My Panic Disorder” it has lived with me off and on since the age of 14 years old. The last time I really suffered heavily with it was in 2016 it’s 2023 now from that time until now I had control at least I thought I did. If a thought slipped in my mind trying to cause fear I could quickly tuck it away without a problem, and I would simply go on.

But it’s back and it’s been heavy the disorder is like an illness like cancer that eats away at your brain. It consumes you in unwanted fear& it’s a thief, it causes you to die over and over that’s what panic disorder is. You would think after the first one the next wouldn’t bring such chaos, oh but it does and it’s simply overwhelming and stressful and you live in fear of the next one. With my disorder comes depression, suicidal ideation and that’s because it gets so tough& you simply get tired of going through the same mental anguish. I asked God to show me more, what does he have me here for still? Like there has to be more than this, I broke down in tears and spoke out loud if I knew my ending on my own wouldn’t keep me from you God I would end it because it’s miserable.

I hate at any moment I begin to feel consumed and overwhelmed by pain in my body& the thoughts of not feeling completely alive. I want the chance to enjoy life completely without the attacks or feeling trapped, I want my good and a fulfilling love. I want everything good and yet I was dealt a difficult hand with flaws& how I be treated just makes it all the worse. I prayerfully in spite of the setbacks and emotional outbursts that God grants me serenity, I pray he grants me the desires of my heart& that I’m able to actually see my latter be greater. I’ve fought very hard for it through the good& bad I fight very hard for it, even when I feel like giving in& giving up. There’s a push that says dry your eyes Ebony it’s not finished yet, what is that “it” Lord? Please help me find my eternal purpose on this earth, and help me reach my goal. I haven’t endured this hell because I like torture, I’ve endured because I’m determined to see the grace that’s waiting on the other side of pain.

Moving Forward

• An open letter to an old friend: I finally understand it now and it took 30 years to get it. But better late than never right?? for many years I did it all wrong and now I understand why the connection was so strong. I thought I knew love and all its greatness, but fact is I never did and what a shame! If I could go back and take back my time, giving money, loving unconditional etcetera and being a great woman like I was taught to be. To the ones I thought I loved and loved me…. I would probably be rich. When I look back and flash forward, you taught me more things in a short time than I learned in 30 years. You helped me to find the true value in myself, you taught me that I didn’t have to give anything up but truth to be the best me. You taught me what it really means to love someone, through the good and the bad you were there. You became a confidant, and someone I looked up to and admired your strength. I used to be the type who likes to over talk, just wouldn’t listen but you taught me how to humble myself in submission . You taught me that we as humans could never know enough, and we must keep our minds open ready to receive whatever else will help us to grow and be better than the day before. You taught me courage under pressure, and how to stay centered. You taught me how to let so much go and to take it to God in prayer, you helped me to see light in any situation and your selfless heart I saw. There were times we didn’t see eye to eye and I got on your nerves I am sure, and you most definitely got on mine lol. But at the end of the day I know the bond that was there , and I know that I genuinely loved you and grateful to have known you and thankful for your light too. I could go on and on about the good in you, but I won’t because in time the universe will speak, and show you just how much you did and always will mean to me and as 2015 comes to an end I hate I have to leave you there. But in this season I know it is best!!!!