When Everything Goes Wrong.

I write for many reasons and one is to see in words what I desire to heal, and let go of. And I desire to heal from this broken heart I have, in fact my heart has been broken for years and I will tell you how it got that way. I am a honest person, and sometimes I can be too honest(is that really a thing) I cannot help that I am that way and it will never change. I am so honest I am the first person to hold me accountable, I believe in looking at both sides of a story. I am a reserved person and very quiet by nature, I have been this way since I was a little child. Very peculiar and different simply set apart from all, I believe this is a blessing. And sometimes a curse within itself, I have been through many things in this life and experienced a lot. Out of everything this having my heart broke, has been the worse of them all. I will also let men in on the damage they do, when they respond to a woman like me. So, I know for a fact in my heart, this man started off with a attraction to me I know it. It was in the vibes and his actions and conversations, like things I would fall for. He was a dream everything a woman could hope for, but there was a pattern concerning him.

I was always honest with him from the start and in my own words, I basically said please don’t hurt me I have known enough hurt. I had that wall up for a while, but I trusted him not to be the same. He promised the bond wouldn’t be broken, and he would never allow anyone to come between us. And most of all our friendship that we had, he did this and more and broke promises. See I am guilty of loving this man far too much, to the point I know the damage he had done behind the scenes. Here is where speaking my truth came into the picture, when he was saying all these good things even with responding back to my I love you with a I love you too! Why say it if he didn’t mean It? God see and hear everything I know it to be true, he does, and most of all God does too. The only difference is, I would never have to show private text messages between us to a outsider(s) like he did and I know he did. I only share this here because I am telling my story and truth, see I sacrificed so much at the expense of LOVE. I genuinely love and was in love with this man, he made me this way. So even though he was saying everything he said to me, I started to see actions was different. I blame this a lot on the negative opinions from others, and other jealous people he put in the mix. I can also say I helped the change which was his fault, by telling him how he was saying one thing to me. But yet he was showing favoritism and indifference, and when it came to me he was pushing me away.

I then went on to tell him I simply wanted nothing else to do with him, we weren’t friends anymore and the bond was broken. I guess I should’ve never said that, because on top of another being too overly involved the man I love(d) was beyond confused. And he was beyond very wishy washy up and down one day, keeping me confused. He didn’t take what I said well and involved someone he should’ve never involved. He started to make me look like I was delusional, when fact is I was yet another to fall hard for him. I was one that was attracted to his heart and soul, and I forgave him for a lot. He broke trust, he betrayed me, and he made me question my worth with his judgemental ways and I kept loving the man. The man that let me wear his jacket when I was cold, the man that used to hug me with truth. And his smile could brighten up any of my dark days, the man that pushed me to be better. It was a soul connection and I know why, and it was meant to be.

In society I have had to deal with a lot of jealous females, because they thought I wasn’t cute enough. And I even heard them say what would he(a man) like me for? I had the fine man everyone wanted, and I mean that literally and would find out that they literally ended up with them(the man). My own blood literally went behind my back, and is married to my one of my ex. That’s just part of my pain and story, and the man I love(d) was surrounded by people with that same jealous spirit. And when you are not strong enough, and let negative opinions cloud your judgement. You will let it block your hearts truth, I seen the looks from them(the girls). I also know most of the looks came from them, because he was talking about me in some way. This is why we must be careful, with who we surround ourselves with. We become who we hang around with, and their words hold power.

Words hold power and when used wrong they can destroy a person, I remember it all. I remember being told by someone close, no man will want a sick wife(thyroid issues and anemia at that time). This let me know that someone close to me, was having conversations about me with the man I love(d) and that’s horrible. Jealousy played a huge part in this, and being to overly involved. I put the (d) on the end of love because I am praying, I am at the point now that if I don’t completely heal. I will die because the Love is that real, I am not angry with him. I overcame the questions of why and why not me? He has spent years judging me on my response to him, as if I was just supposed to take it. This man has taught me a lot, good and bad and second to his mother I know both sides of him very well. But, that will never take away from who I know he truly is. Yes I had questions and yes he broke my heart, and he and I are similar when it comes to emotions.

I love the man so much that I always end up the peacemaker, when he should be the one seeking forgiveness from me. For making me out to be someone I am not, just to cover himself in my opinion. I don’t blame him too much either, because another also played a part in helping to inflict this pain. He taught me well enough to know in spite of the change, it wasn’t me it was him. And I am more than good enough, I am beautiful enough. I never heard him speak these words, and when I brought it up to him what someone said he said. His response to me, was how would I know what he is attracted to. Well, I am a beautiful soul, who will no longer deal with indifference or manipulation. I am attractive enough and once my heart is completely heal, and I am past the I need him. And I am past the I will die without him, because he is my soulmate. Someone might ask how I know this, when he has caused a lot of drama?

A soulmate is someone who mirror back to you your imperfections, and challenges you to be a better you. You are connected on a spiritual, and emotional level. To the point you can hear and feel the other ones thoughts, the energy and connection is high. You don’t give up on your soulmate you love them eternally, and you overcome the bad. And love conquer all negativity, you live past the pain with forgiveness.

But I have learned I will have to live without him, because I cannot force no one to receive truth. And I cannot force anyone to lay their pride or stubbornness down, to see the fact that I have suffered because of him and I have been beyond forgiving. Something only God can get him to see within himself, I have faced my flaws. I can only pray people open their eyes to truth, to see they cannot judge your response to them as if it is your fault they caused you pain. That’s the most selfish thing someone can do to another person, and when you genuinely love someone you wouldn’t do that. And you will be just like me and love in truth, and choose to respond in a better way like I have in spite of the pain someone caused you.

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Broken Heart

When you sleep the day away to avoid thinking about the one you Love, and even then the one you Love end up in your dreams. You cannot understand why the LOVE won’t go away, it has been years and you have prayed and cried dear God please take it from my heart and soul. A person who means so much to you and helped save you, challenged you for the better and helped make you a better person. Someone you was beyond loyal to and encouraged through hard times, was there just to listen any time you was needed.

How do you just over look the hurt and pain they caused You? I mean they did nothing in the end but judge you and for what? You watched the one you Love in truth, past the flaws he has and the broken promises he made. You watched him go out his way to get to know others, and judge you without truly knowing you and started to push you away when things got too deep. When outsiders voiced their jealous opinions on your bond, when outsiders started to worry about something that truly didn’t concern them. But you really cannot blame them when he put them their, he cannot make up his mind what he wants from you. One day he is kind to you and the next, he treats you like you are his enemy and for what like what is he struggling with? You are only guilty of loving him genuinely, and wondering what’s up with his negative actions? So many unanswered questions you left with, and now you are stuck. You stuck in love with a man you adore, you know he is meant to be in your life in some kind of a way. You know you need him and deep down inside you feel he care, but you refuse to deal with a indecisive man. One who just has so much to heal from, because when you hurt someone who truly love you and believe in you. And has done nothing but respect and protect you, even in times you didn’t deserve it she still genuinely love you. That’s a loyal friend, a good woman, who really cherish you and you just hurt her because she love you in your opinion just too much. Now she left living with a broken heart, finding ways to survive without the one she truly loves and that ain’t a easy task. But she goes on daily, hoping and praying that with time it gets better.

It is personal.. Letting Go!

I made the mistake years ago in believing your words you spoke to me, words that touched my heart and soul. I believed you when you said our bond was special, and you would never allow anyone to come between us. I believed you when you said so much to me until I started seeing your actions, telling me one thing and then showing me another. I was then made to look like the wrong one, when I pointed this out to you. In spite of the lies and the indifference, what made it grow deeper is what I seen and felt in prayer. What I started to feel in my heart, knowing someone is meant to be in your life and they treat you like you have no worth or value. Cannot make up their mind one minute to the next, speaking to you one moment and treating you like you are the enemy the next moment. Someone you know is a good person deep inside, and yet you watch pride and stubbornness reveal truth you don’t want to believe because you know there is good inside you seen it so many times.

I was the one that was there to encourage and speak life many times, all the words spoken to you from me was truth. I wish you can go back to that gift I gave you, the words that were spoken to me to give to you. It is a hard thing to watch someone you love act in such a way and for what? This connection in feeling everything they feel is painful, feeling so connected to someone with your heart and soul is painful. Especially when they keep hurting you, and you just don’t understand why. But I cannot keep doing it, no matter how much I believe in you. No matter how much I love you, and no matter how much I adore you. I simply have no more words at all for you, I have been loyal and beyond. I trusted you and I wish you knew how much I need you, but I have to let you go. I don’t know what it is that hurt you, I don’t know what it is that cause you to respond in the way you have. I am confused, I am hurt, I am so tired and done with it all. You touched my soul and I wish you could see from my view, I cannot make you get it though. And I am done fighting with you, and most of all I am done fighting for you and I have to be. I am a soul, I have a heart, I have worth and I am beyond valuable dear heart and I do matter. I have seen the best in you and I pray for you, I fall asleep praying for you. I pray for you more than I do myself, after thanking God every morning I pray for you and everything concerning you. I pray that God strengthen you, Lord I love you so much in spite of it all. Truth is I just want you to see this, it has never been about attacking you. I honestly wanted you to see from my view, you cannot promise someone something and break the promise. You cannot take a chance on others, and then judge the one that speak truth to you…. I am the way that I am and have been for a long time because of you, I believe you let many cloud your vision and why the friendship ended is because of you.

Lord knows I believe in growth and I also believe we shouldn’t lose the best part of us. I find it really hard to understand what you are fighting against concerning me, what caused you to go silent. It is really crazy because something inside tells me, that you truly care and you really do love me. I can feel it but I got to let go now and cut the cord, I cannot fight anymore for peace with you only for it to be disturbed with your unsure actions. It is so funny to me when I hear more than one person say you never know, what I do know is I am done. I am so done with the games and the up and down, I am done with it all. This will never change my love and respect for you, and yes it do hurt so much. But I can do and I will do all things through Christ who is my strength. I forgive you and I have forgiven you more than once, I pray for you man. I pray that God heal and restore everything in you that you question and fear, I love you throughout eternity strong man, brave man, good man, the man I know you are.

2AM

For the last few nights I have been up way past time simply because my mind won’t stop moving. He has been on my mind the good and the bad, wondering what do you do when you understand a person response. But don’t understand their reaction, everything from the last few years are coming back to me. I am reminded of the pain because of him, being anywhere close to him brings up the pain.

Truth is I took time to try to get rid of something that won’t leave, you cannot make anyone see they are supposed to be in your life. You cannot make anyone see the pain they have caused, when they are simply too selfish. I haven’t been the only one to bring this word to life regarding him and it is truth. The most selfish, stubborn, prideful, good, loving, awesome man I have known. Everyone has two sides to them and it is simple hell that I know them both, when you love someone you love through the good and the bad. He took my heart and soul from me, I love him so much it hurts. And I mean that literally it is painful, it is a thought process of why? Why will my heart not let him go, I know the answer is because I am supposed to love him. He is supposed to be in my life I need him to be there so much, that it simply aches every inch of my soul. The love for him gave me reason and helped saved my life, when it simply felt hard to breathe. Even though it hurts so bad, I have to let him go. He don’t deserve this love and he’ll honestly never find one like me, that will be loyal as I have and understanding. No more, I am tired, you cannot win with a prideful and stubborn heart. There is simply nothing else left to give, Dear God please heal. Please restore and rebuild and don’t allow this pain, to be inflicted off on others. Don’t allow not understanding to cause unwanted questions. I am more than worthy to call friend, I am worth it to get to know. I am a good woman who is beautiful and loving, I am a soul with a heart who matters. I am fearfully and wonderfully made, I am awesome and a good loyal woman. I will have s support system around me, one who shows no jealousy. Ones who don’t gossip, or do horrible backbiting and tearing me down as a human. I will be blessed with family who isn’t blood, that will Love and cherish me through the good and the bad.

I am not afraid to let go anymore of anything or anyone who is toxic, I am not afraid to let go of people who cause me to question my worth and don’t understand my value. I know it is okay to love from a distance, especially if you have tried to exist in peace more than once. It is okay to be free of anyone who hurts you, and has shown you nothing but pain and selfish ways.

Indifference

What do you do and how do you respond to people who cannot see their wrong? Because pride and pure stubbornness blocks truth, how do you deal with someone who favors and cares for others more? And basically show in actions you don’t matter, and your feelings don’t matter when fact is every soul matters. And we must be careful with how we treat all people, no matter what we speak it’s the actions that truly matter. So without actions words are just null and void, then when you add disrespect and disloyalty on top of that you have nothing. And for any relationship to prosper, there must be respect from every side without jealousy. Without mess or drama and backbiting, mixed with nothing but lies. What do anyone accomplish by doing that, and by staying in the midst of something and allowing themselves to be put in the middle? Anyone that gossip and entertain mess, and don’t shut the mess carrier down simply thrive off of foolishness.

Some people don’t understand the reaction that they receive, is simply because they deserve it. Especially when you don’t know what you will get. One moment they are one way and the next silence got their tounge, why because they are afraid of what others may think? Or simply in too deep under the control, of someone who stay too involved and for what? What are people’s motives in playing a part in other people’s pain? Why worry yourself with something that don’t concern you at all? And why allow another to put you in the midst, why continue to bring pain to someone who been there since day one? Where is the loyalty in a person like this and do they care? The answer is no they don’t care, because they show it in their actions. When they treat you like you are the enemy, when the only thing you are guilty of is loving too much. And being loyal to people that wasn’t loyal to you, so what do you do? I mean you can only be understanding for so long, and to be truthful there are no excuses for their unjust actions. No excuses whatsoever to mistreat someone, to throw a good person under the bus without care. And to judge them for what they assume they may know, truth is that isn’t love. Love don’t keep any record of wrong doing, and love will never hurt someone they say they love and care about. Nor will Love make you feel small, or feel as if your feelings and your heart don’t matter. So what do you do to make them understand and get it? You simply have to stop talking, because you cannot force hard hearts to open up or to see their wrong and get they aren’t always right. And they haven’t been right or done right for a long time, true change isn’t temporary. And the key is to learn from our mistakes, and not continue to repeat them.

A person who is real won’t continue to allow disrespect or games, and will never allow people to continue to treat them in a unjust way. Full with nothing but indifference, and wrong treatment. You teach people how to treat you by what you allow, and if you continue to allow disrespect and pain. That’s exactly what you will get until you stand up for yourself, and you aren’t wrong for speaking the truth you have that right.

To My Clark Kent

There are so many reasons I can name why I love you, fact is a blog can only be so long. I wish I would’ve knew you before all the pain, but I believe you came at the right time and what started off as admiration. Turned into a divine connection, and deep down you will always know this too. Many got involved with jealousy, and just so much more. But that never stopped me from loving you, even when what they said and did. Caused you to change it never stopped me from loving you, because I know what I seen and I know what I felt deep within my heart. Truth is you don’t get this type of connection but once, you are the strongest man I know and you have been through the fire. And on some occasions I have felt the burn, when you hurt I hurt. When you are down I pray for your strength, when you feel overwhelmed by so much I can feel it. And I trust God to lift it and ease every burden, there is no doubt that if I saw you in danger I would step right in the way. I would lay my life down for you, because I believe in you and see the purpose deep within you. Words couldn’t even describe why I love you so much(dear God why the tears right now) this love I have for you comes deep from within my soul. I am connected to you for a reason and I have tried to break it, I have even prayed to God to take it all away from me.

I know you aren’t my saviour you are just a natural man with flaws, nowhere near perfect. You can be very stubborn at times too, and Dear God sometimes you work my last nerves but it only makes me love you more. Second to God you helped save my life and you pushed me to be better, you pushed me to be a stronger woman. When no one else believed in me, you were there for me. You were there in my darkest hours and pushed me, when I felt like my life was over and was ready to give up you pushed me. That night I can remember feeling lifeless, I felt pain and so much more on the inside of me. I thought it was over and I was in complete tears, because I didn’t understand so much. And you called me at the request of someone, and you spoke life when all hope had left me. I didn’t think I would see another day but your faith, and your prayer and you believing in me pushed me through. And you telling me I am stronger than I was giving myself credit for, pushed me and you are a huge reason why I am the woman I am today. Your heart, your will, your spirit, your kindness, the love you have for many. The way you fight and give your all, the way you believe and see good in spite of any circumstances you trust it will turn around. Your smile and just your presence is light, you are the link I know it. And your story of truth will help save many, you are smart and bold and strong too. You are a hard worker and you stand with dignity, you are a gift to me! And as long as you are here on this earth, together are not together I will honor you and everything about you. The world is so much better because you are here, and that is enough for me. I respect your choices and your word, I respect you with everything in me. And I want nothing more than to see you happy and living your best life, I am selfless enough to say that with truth as long as you are happy. Where ever you are in the world, that will be just fine with me. It won’t be easy but I accept it because it’s your choice, no matter what you will always be my Ace and my Clark Kent!!!!

Simply the strongest and most courageous man ever, you taught me the meaning of true LOVE and why I will teach it to many. Love has many levels to it, and sometimes you have to go through some things to understand how solid it is and can be. Love is patient, Love is kind, Love doesn’t envy, Love doesn’t boast, Love isn’t proud. Love isn’t self-seeking, Love isn’t easily angered, Love keeps no record of wrong. LOVE is so beautiful and a gift, through the good and the bad I have been that and so much more concerning you. Love will always win and that’s a fact, LOVE has the power to heal anything.

Dear Diary

I have had dreams and looked into the future with a smile. Seeing me join my hand with yours, next to you loving you. I honor your life and you are so special to me, forever in this life King. I call you King because it is your birth right, true royalty you are the most annoying and amazing man wrapped up in one. I take the good with the bad because that’s LOVE, the good always outweigh the bad. You inspire me for the better, and you challenge me to be my best me as possible. Before you I thought I knew what love was and fact is I didn’t, LOVE is everything the bible says it is and more.

One of the words that sticks out to me the most is endurance, Lord knows I have literally been through hell and back regarding you. Betrayal and broken promises to me, but yet I still believe. I believe in the man I know you are so deeply, the man that is walking into greatness. The man who in spite of his stubbornness. Is smart, wise, gentle, caring, giving, and one who will never quit. The man who really loves people, the man who would give his last to help out those he love. The man who strength is beyond remarkable, could literally carry the weight of the world with a smile. I know when you are down though you cannot hide it from me, but you carry things so well. I love your will to push in spite of the storms, I love you because you make me better and push me out my comfort zone. I love you because with God first, you helped save my life. I know how things started and the connection, I also know how other people got involved and me not understanding your ways and being distant and cold at times. Played a huge part in pushing you away, I know there has been so much not understanding one another. But one thing for sure is you have my heart, you are the greatest man I know. I have tried to stop loving you dear God I have, I simply came to the conclusion it is in my heart eternal. I adore you with every fiber of my being, and yes you had it right I will never want to know this world without you. Because fact is I would lose my mind, I get mad at how much I love you. And I ask God to take it away like all of it, truth is I know it won’t go away because I was meant to love you. No matter the outcome I will always love you regardless, because this bond was made before time and not even hell or storms could break it and that’s eternal.

Dear Diary: God says love is patient(I have been that) God says love is kind, I have been that too even when I was mad at you. Love doesn’t envy, I only honor you. Love isn’t proud or self-seeking or easily angered, Lord knows there have been times I could’ve hurt your feelings. But, I have always went out of my way to protect your feelings and cover you. Even if it meant taking the blame and saying I am sorry, even when I wasn’t wrong. I have did it all and more because the LOVE is real, I even question myself. How can I love someone who hasn’t been loyal like I have to him? How can I love someone who has broke trust, promises, and hurt me? Simple for better or worse and that’s what a woman does, when you believe in someone so much you don’t give up on them. And in spite of the bad the good wins, and true LOVE conquers all.