It is personal.. Letting Go!

I made the mistake years ago in believing your words you spoke to me, words that touched my heart and soul. I believed you when you said our bond was special, and you would never allow anyone to come between us. I believed you when you said so much to me until I started seeing your actions, telling me one thing and then showing me another. I was then made to look like the wrong one, when I pointed this out to you. In spite of the lies and the indifference, what made it grow deeper is what I seen and felt in prayer. What I started to feel in my heart, knowing someone is meant to be in your life and they treat you like you have no worth or value. Cannot make up their mind one minute to the next, speaking to you one moment and treating you like you are the enemy the next moment. Someone you know is a good person deep inside, and yet you watch pride and stubbornness reveal truth you don’t want to believe because you know there is good inside you seen it so many times.

I was the one that was there to encourage and speak life many times, all the words spoken to you from me was truth. I wish you can go back to that gift I gave you, the words that were spoken to me to give to you. It is a hard thing to watch someone you love act in such a way and for what? This connection in feeling everything they feel is painful, feeling so connected to someone with your heart and soul is painful. Especially when they keep hurting you, and you just don’t understand why. But I cannot keep doing it, no matter how much I believe in you. No matter how much I love you, and no matter how much I adore you. I simply have no more words at all for you, I have been loyal and beyond. I trusted you and I wish you knew how much I need you, but I have to let you go. I don’t know what it is that hurt you, I don’t know what it is that cause you to respond in the way you have. I am confused, I am hurt, I am so tired and done with it all. You touched my soul and I wish you could see from my view, I cannot make you get it though. And I am done fighting with you, and most of all I am done fighting for you and I have to be. I am a soul, I have a heart, I have worth and I am beyond valuable dear heart and I do matter. I have seen the best in you and I pray for you, I fall asleep praying for you. I pray for you more than I do myself, after thanking God every morning I pray for you and everything concerning you. I pray that God strengthen you, Lord I love you so much in spite of it all. Truth is I just want you to see this, it has never been about attacking you. I honestly wanted you to see from my view, you cannot promise someone something and break the promise. You cannot take a chance on others, and then judge the one that speak truth to you…. I am the way that I am and have been for a long time because of you, I believe you let many cloud your vision and why the friendship ended is because of you.

Lord knows I believe in growth and I also believe we shouldn’t lose the best part of us. I find it really hard to understand what you are fighting against concerning me, what caused you to go silent. It is really crazy because something inside tells me, that you truly care and you really do love me. I can feel it but I got to let go now and cut the cord, I cannot fight anymore for peace with you only for it to be disturbed with your unsure actions. It is so funny to me when I hear more than one person say you never know, what I do know is I am done. I am so done with the games and the up and down, I am done with it all. This will never change my love and respect for you, and yes it do hurt so much. But I can do and I will do all things through Christ who is my strength. I forgive you and I have forgiven you more than once, I pray for you man. I pray that God heal and restore everything in you that you question and fear, I love you throughout eternity strong man, brave man, good man, the man I know you are.

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2AM

For the last few nights I have been up way past time simply because my mind won’t stop moving. He has been on my mind the good and the bad, wondering what do you do when you understand a person response. But don’t understand their reaction, everything from the last few years are coming back to me. I am reminded of the pain because of him, being anywhere close to him brings up the pain.

Truth is I took time to try to get rid of something that won’t leave, you cannot make anyone see they are supposed to be in your life. You cannot make anyone see the pain they have caused, when they are simply too selfish. I haven’t been the only one to bring this word to life regarding him and it is truth. The most selfish, stubborn, prideful, good, loving, awesome man I have known. Everyone has two sides to them and it is simple hell that I know them both, when you love someone you love through the good and the bad. He took my heart and soul from me, I love him so much it hurts. And I mean that literally it is painful, it is a thought process of why? Why will my heart not let him go, I know the answer is because I am supposed to love him. He is supposed to be in my life I need him to be there so much, that it simply aches every inch of my soul. The love for him gave me reason and helped saved my life, when it simply felt hard to breathe. Even though it hurts so bad, I have to let him go. He don’t deserve this love and he’ll honestly never find one like me, that will be loyal as I have and understanding. No more, I am tired, you cannot win with a prideful and stubborn heart. There is simply nothing else left to give, Dear God please heal. Please restore and rebuild and don’t allow this pain, to be inflicted off on others. Don’t allow not understanding to cause unwanted questions. I am more than worthy to call friend, I am worth it to get to know. I am a good woman who is beautiful and loving, I am a soul with a heart who matters. I am fearfully and wonderfully made, I am awesome and a good loyal woman. I will have s support system around me, one who shows no jealousy. Ones who don’t gossip, or do horrible backbiting and tearing me down as a human. I will be blessed with family who isn’t blood, that will Love and cherish me through the good and the bad.

I am not afraid to let go anymore of anything or anyone who is toxic, I am not afraid to let go of people who cause me to question my worth and don’t understand my value. I know it is okay to love from a distance, especially if you have tried to exist in peace more than once. It is okay to be free of anyone who hurts you, and has shown you nothing but pain and selfish ways.

Indifference

What do you do and how do you respond to people who cannot see their wrong? Because pride and pure stubbornness blocks truth, how do you deal with someone who favors and cares for others more? And basically show in actions you don’t matter, and your feelings don’t matter when fact is every soul matters. And we must be careful with how we treat all people, no matter what we speak it’s the actions that truly matter. So without actions words are just null and void, then when you add disrespect and disloyalty on top of that you have nothing. And for any relationship to prosper, there must be respect from every side without jealousy. Without mess or drama and backbiting, mixed with nothing but lies. What do anyone accomplish by doing that, and by staying in the midst of something and allowing themselves to be put in the middle? Anyone that gossip and entertain mess, and don’t shut the mess carrier down simply thrive off of foolishness.

Some people don’t understand the reaction that they receive, is simply because they deserve it. Especially when you don’t know what you will get. One moment they are one way and the next silence got their tounge, why because they are afraid of what others may think? Or simply in too deep under the control, of someone who stay too involved and for what? What are people’s motives in playing a part in other people’s pain? Why worry yourself with something that don’t concern you at all? And why allow another to put you in the midst, why continue to bring pain to someone who been there since day one? Where is the loyalty in a person like this and do they care? The answer is no they don’t care, because they show it in their actions. When they treat you like you are the enemy, when the only thing you are guilty of is loving too much. And being loyal to people that wasn’t loyal to you, so what do you do? I mean you can only be understanding for so long, and to be truthful there are no excuses for their unjust actions. No excuses whatsoever to mistreat someone, to throw a good person under the bus without care. And to judge them for what they assume they may know, truth is that isn’t love. Love don’t keep any record of wrong doing, and love will never hurt someone they say they love and care about. Nor will Love make you feel small, or feel as if your feelings and your heart don’t matter. So what do you do to make them understand and get it? You simply have to stop talking, because you cannot force hard hearts to open up or to see their wrong and get they aren’t always right. And they haven’t been right or done right for a long time, true change isn’t temporary. And the key is to learn from our mistakes, and not continue to repeat them.

A person who is real won’t continue to allow disrespect or games, and will never allow people to continue to treat them in a unjust way. Full with nothing but indifference, and wrong treatment. You teach people how to treat you by what you allow, and if you continue to allow disrespect and pain. That’s exactly what you will get until you stand up for yourself, and you aren’t wrong for speaking the truth you have that right.