When Everything Goes Wrong.

I write for many reasons and one is to see in words what I desire to heal, and let go of. And I desire to heal from this broken heart I have, in fact my heart has been broken for years and I will tell you how it got that way. I am a honest person, and sometimes I can be too honest(is that really a thing) I cannot help that I am that way and it will never change. I am so honest I am the first person to hold me accountable, I believe in looking at both sides of a story. I am a reserved person and very quiet by nature, I have been this way since I was a little child. Very peculiar and different simply set apart from all, I believe this is a blessing. And sometimes a curse within itself, I have been through many things in this life and experienced a lot. Out of everything this having my heart broke, has been the worse of them all. I will also let men in on the damage they do, when they respond to a woman like me. So, I know for a fact in my heart, this man started off with a attraction to me I know it. It was in the vibes and his actions and conversations, like things I would fall for. He was a dream everything a woman could hope for, but there was a pattern concerning him.

I was always honest with him from the start and in my own words, I basically said please don’t hurt me I have known enough hurt. I had that wall up for a while, but I trusted him not to be the same. He promised the bond wouldn’t be broken, and he would never allow anyone to come between us. And most of all our friendship that we had, he did this and more and broke promises. See I am guilty of loving this man far too much, to the point I know the damage he had done behind the scenes. Here is where speaking my truth came into the picture, when he was saying all these good things even with responding back to my I love you with a I love you too! Why say it if he didn’t mean It? God see and hear everything I know it to be true, he does, and most of all God does too. The only difference is, I would never have to show private text messages between us to a outsider(s) like he did and I know he did. I only share this here because I am telling my story and truth, see I sacrificed so much at the expense of LOVE. I genuinely love and was in love with this man, he made me this way. So even though he was saying everything he said to me, I started to see actions was different. I blame this a lot on the negative opinions from others, and other jealous people he put in the mix. I can also say I helped the change which was his fault, by telling him how he was saying one thing to me. But yet he was showing favoritism and indifference, and when it came to me he was pushing me away.

I then went on to tell him I simply wanted nothing else to do with him, we weren’t friends anymore and the bond was broken. I guess I should’ve never said that, because on top of another being too overly involved the man I love(d) was beyond confused. And he was beyond very wishy washy up and down one day, keeping me confused. He didn’t take what I said well and involved someone he should’ve never involved. He started to make me look like I was delusional, when fact is I was yet another to fall hard for him. I was one that was attracted to his heart and soul, and I forgave him for a lot. He broke trust, he betrayed me, and he made me question my worth with his judgemental ways and I kept loving the man. The man that let me wear his jacket when I was cold, the man that used to hug me with truth. And his smile could brighten up any of my dark days, the man that pushed me to be better. It was a soul connection and I know why, and it was meant to be.

In society I have had to deal with a lot of jealous females, because they thought I wasn’t cute enough. And I even heard them say what would he(a man) like me for? I had the fine man everyone wanted, and I mean that literally and would find out that they literally ended up with them(the man). My own blood literally went behind my back, and is married to my one of my ex. That’s just part of my pain and story, and the man I love(d) was surrounded by people with that same jealous spirit. And when you are not strong enough, and let negative opinions cloud your judgement. You will let it block your hearts truth, I seen the looks from them(the girls). I also know most of the looks came from them, because he was talking about me in some way. This is why we must be careful, with who we surround ourselves with. We become who we hang around with, and their words hold power.

Words hold power and when used wrong they can destroy a person, I remember it all. I remember being told by someone close, no man will want a sick wife(thyroid issues and anemia at that time). This let me know that someone close to me, was having conversations about me with the man I love(d) and that’s horrible. Jealousy played a huge part in this, and being to overly involved. I put the (d) on the end of love because I am praying, I am at the point now that if I don’t completely heal. I will die because the Love is that real, I am not angry with him. I overcame the questions of why and why not me? He has spent years judging me on my response to him, as if I was just supposed to take it. This man has taught me a lot, good and bad and second to his mother I know both sides of him very well. But, that will never take away from who I know he truly is. Yes I had questions and yes he broke my heart, and he and I are similar when it comes to emotions.

I love the man so much that I always end up the peacemaker, when he should be the one seeking forgiveness from me. For making me out to be someone I am not, just to cover himself in my opinion. I don’t blame him too much either, because another also played a part in helping to inflict this pain. He taught me well enough to know in spite of the change, it wasn’t me it was him. And I am more than good enough, I am beautiful enough. I never heard him speak these words, and when I brought it up to him what someone said he said. His response to me, was how would I know what he is attracted to. Well, I am a beautiful soul, who will no longer deal with indifference or manipulation. I am attractive enough and once my heart is completely heal, and I am past the I need him. And I am past the I will die without him, because he is my soulmate. Someone might ask how I know this, when he has caused a lot of drama?

A soulmate is someone who mirror back to you your imperfections, and challenges you to be a better you. You are connected on a spiritual, and emotional level. To the point you can hear and feel the other ones thoughts, the energy and connection is high. You don’t give up on your soulmate you love them eternally, and you overcome the bad. And love conquer all negativity, you live past the pain with forgiveness.

But I have learned I will have to live without him, because I cannot force no one to receive truth. And I cannot force anyone to lay their pride or stubbornness down, to see the fact that I have suffered because of him and I have been beyond forgiving. Something only God can get him to see within himself, I have faced my flaws. I can only pray people open their eyes to truth, to see they cannot judge your response to them as if it is your fault they caused you pain. That’s the most selfish thing someone can do to another person, and when you genuinely love someone you wouldn’t do that. And you will be just like me and love in truth, and choose to respond in a better way like I have in spite of the pain someone caused you.

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Author: ladyebonyl

Walking in my truth using life lessons to help the next. Perfecting my craft one blog at a time, walk with me on the journey of telling my story.

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