Live out Your Purpose

When he said “I am starting to see this life from a bird’s view”. Ermias Tha Great a.k.a Nipsey Hussle💙🏁 I believe he knew his work was just about done. One thing about God is He is beyond awesome, every human is born with a purpose. And one thing for sure is God is a promise Keeper, He will never let you leave your work undone. God is also a PROTECTOR, and JEALOUS God… So much so that He will never allow anyone to suffer more than they can handle, I know at 34 years old I have been through some storms. Since birth I have been dealt things I know I was meant to endure, because I was equipped to do it. There are times I get exhausted and yet I push, because I am not empty. Those things that used to bother me and cause me to tremble I see differently, things that would make certain people throw in the towel or look for pitty for I cannot pitty anyone and I won’t hand it out either. I remember one of the moments in my life, when I felt as if life was over. I cried for days and I didn’t see myself here now, I just knew I wasn’t going to make it. But, with God. My Brother. My Uncle. My Mom. My ACE. My Cousin. And most of all me I am here, I am stronger and wiser and I will push anyone in my view to the best version of themselves. Remember God holds all Power and you are connected to Him, so tap into that ENERGY and LIVE your Purpose. Make sure your work isn’t left undone, there will be plenty of time to sleep when God speak the words it is Finished. I command those feeling like throwing in the towel, and feeling like your life is over because you are confronted with change that causes you FEAR to do it scared. To Love in truth, to respect all you meet, to lose the anger, lose those things that are draining you. Stop lying, stop pretending. I am not saying be perfect, I am saying live in your truth and do it in a loving respectable way that your light will be energy to those who have lost their zest or spark. Believe in you when no one else does on earth, be your own cheerleader and remember God is pushing you and behind you and beside you and leading you every step of the way. Remember the power your tounge holds and know that you can, and you most certainly will do all things through Christ who is your strength and biggest support system.

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Hey King Alpha

I seem to write when there is so much on my mind and my spirit need to feel free. It feels polluted and heavy by everything that has been going on, here I am sitting here like oh I am not good enough? What makes the next so better than me is it the years she has on me? Please excuse me while I write out truth, I came to know you at a time when my heart and soul was lonely and so in love with another, this the type of love that two people don’t have to lay with one another to find. My teacher and my ACE he was and he made me even more better, the good in me comes from God the love in me is for all in this world that’s so dark. Just that empathetic and humble I am, I been like that since I was young.

Then came you something special on you and I connected with you. Let’s just say you woke my hurt soul, these feelings I was having for another the desire to know you. Why you didn’t tell me no? DEAR GOD!!!! I wish you told me NO!!! If you loved her so and she was enough you would’ve told me NO!!! I hope you fix those things in you that struggle so you want leave another in pain. Dear God I played a huge part in this pain, but you didn’t treat me just like some toy and I thank you for that. You was gentle with me I’ll never forget your heart beat, I felt your heart beat next to mine it was calm and it was free. I cannot forget being able to sense everything you was feeling this wasn’t no min to min, this was something deep something sweet I’ll always keep. Your strength, your heart, your desire to want to be just happy and free and the best man I know and believe it is in you!!! I’ll never regret you even with the pain of connecting with you brought me tears and joy, but I know what it feels like when someone already has your heart and mind.

I’m just happy I get to know you as someone forever special, and I hope you understand even past that one mistake. Loyalty from me will have you amazed and will always be, I respect and honor the King in you ain’t nothing like a “King Alpha” one who is strong and wise and literally will shake your soul!!! Nobody can say anything bad about you to me, I’ll always refuse to hear it or even give it room to breathe. I promise this a real life scene out of a movie, just some things I’ll keep sacred for ever but the short time with you felt like HEAVEN!!!!!!!!

Thank you for being the man that you are grateful to know you!!!!! I genuinely wish you nothing but peace, genuine unshakable love, joy& pure happiness!!!!!!

When “Love” ain’t enough.

Started off as a connection that is unexplainable. I used to be the girl who was attracted to looks, oh my first response would be oh he is fine you were different. I saw something in you that only God could show me, I saw in you what I was meant to see. Then things turned into a friendship a bond you said would never be broken, a bond you said you would never allow anyone to come between. Every time I saw you my heart would smile, I could talk to you about anything. You know things about me no one else knows about me, you were always there anytime I needed you. Felt like I couldn’t breathe when I lost you, I remember many sleepless nights. The pain of knowing someone is meant to be in your life, and the person allowed outsiders to fog his mind in every single way. He allowed pride to get in the way of what was a precious bond, someone I know deep in my heart loved me and told me back when I spoke the words I love you.

You were my strength here on earth and second to God you were everything to me, I adored you more than anything. I sacrificed, I suffered, I even took the blame when you were so wrong. There were times I couldn’t stand you and was so angry, to find out someone who meant the world to me would betray me was painful. I suffered in silence, my heart ached so bad it felt like I was dying daily. I was torn between pain, even when I love(d) you so much. I could never hate you because that’s not who I am, how could I hate the man who took me through hell? But, at the same time taught me so much, the love I had for you saved me(you helped save my life) I was broken and torn from the inside out but never stopped loving you. I don’t believe in giving up on people I genuinely love, and dear God knows I love(d) you from my heart and soul. You were my friend that I needed and loved dearly, and I know that LOVE pushed you away and caused you to do some of the things you did that brought me great pain. I know you very well, and I was beyond loyal to you. The man who pushed me to be better, and taught me the true meaning of love. See, what I know is love is beyond a beautiful thing, but it ain’t always easy. There will be tough times and times you cannot stand the other person, but when love is genuine it will always win and overcome any obstacles.

Love is patient and kind, love doesn’t envy, love isn’t proud or is it self-seeking. Love isn’t easily angered or does it keep any record of wrong, there is Faith, Love, Hope. And the greatest one of them all is LOVE!!!!! I know in my heart the promise, I know I was meant to LOVE you like I did. I know I am a part of your PURPOSE, I know the things that scare you. And what I learned is you cannot force a selfish/prideful man to wake up, so I finally woke up to realize no matter how much I love you and need you. No matter how much you’ll always mean to me, no matter how painful it is I had to let go.

I know people will probably say oh you been through a lot and love him in truth. Yes, but sometimes enough becomes enough. You cannot make a person change their ways, they have to do that on their own. You could love the hell out of them, and it still won’t be enough unless they welcome it just as much. I know you supported me and encouraged me, prayed for me and uplifted me just like I did you and I know you care. I have seen it in your eyes and the connection, I just said no more games or lies. You cannot love a man and lose yourself in the process, the best part of me I gave was true love and sacrifice. Women even if you know a man is meant to be there, he has to still want to be there.

Reasons a girl needs her father.

Sad part is I once knew men like R.Kelly and I once placed the blame off on my dad for not being there. A girl child needs her father so much that it is ridiculous, a father teaches a girl child what she deserves. I wondered why everyone else had their father, and I couldn’t have mine? I dealt with a lot of neglect and being pushed aside as if I didn’t matter, and that pain caused me to search for a love that never existed and that died back in 1999. I hated that man for years, and I promised I would never cry when he died. Why would I cry for a man that was barely ever there? I don’t know what it is, maybe it is the connection kids share with their parents no matter what due to birth. But I was broken that day the man that help give me life was gone. And I didn’t get the chance to ask him my so many how come? I was 14 when my dad died and here I am at 33, I will never birth a child into this world unless I am sure of the child father. Father’s be there for your kids especially your daughter, be the best good loving role model possible. You are molding her and preparing her, your true love and guidance will be her teacher of what she deserves in a man. I humbly ask that it be good and admirable, lead and guide her properly so she’ll never run into a R. Kelly.

A girl child needs her father for so many reasons so she won’t grow older and search for that void. So she will be stronger in the mind, and know what to stay away from. A father teaches his daughter the proper love, that good Love so she won’t run into the pretender. The pretender that pretend to love her, just to get into her mind and manipulate and control her. A pretender will find a young girl weakness and prey on it, knowing what he wants it to use and control her for his own personal gain. I have learned throughout life, the hurt people hurt people. Some men do it intentionally, and some men do it unintentionally. This is more than enough reason the girl child needs her father, and she needs him to show in action what genuine love is. And when she knows that genuine love, she’ll never accept anything less than the best.

Dear You from me(conversation with God)

I have came to a conclusion here at the ending of 2018, and it took me a while but I got here. I listen to God often and today I heard Him loud and clear, He spoke to me and said my child life is too short to keep holding on to someone that don’t even know your worth. Someone who never took a true chance on getting to know you, someone who made a lot of promises to you and broke every single one without a care. Someone who lied to you, lied on you, and slandered your name in more ways than one. Someone you love(d) dearly and forgave over and over in spite of wrong, someone you respect(ed) and the person broke trust and respect with you. Someone who judged your flaws and you loved him through all of his, someone who taught you so much and brought deep hurt to you at the same time.

Someone who made you feel bad for pointing out the lies told to you, and made you feel like the wrong one for saying how the promises to you weren’t kept. My child you haven’t lost anything, you kept loving in spite of so much wrong. And one day he will see what was lost, he will see the depth of your loyalty. He will see the depth of your love, honor, and respect. He will see how he treated you indifferent and wronged you, shift now my child. I know you been hurting for a while, because you cannot understand how someone you trusted and shared your secrets with would bring you so much pain. Don’t let this linger any more heal completely now and move on to better, you have suffered and you have been kind. You have been loyal and you have loved in truth, you have been forgiving and beyond understanding. Have peace in knowing you have been good, and you have done in action what many denie in words. You have loved with your whole heart, and from the depths of your soul. I know you love him and he knows it too, but you deserve so much more better than what he has given you.

When Everything Goes Wrong.

I write for many reasons and one is to see in words what I desire to heal, and let go of. And I desire to heal from this broken heart I have, in fact my heart has been broken for years and I will tell you how it got that way. I am a honest person, and sometimes I can be too honest(is that really a thing) I cannot help that I am that way and it will never change. I am so honest I am the first person to hold me accountable, I believe in looking at both sides of a story. I am a reserved person and very quiet by nature, I have been this way since I was a little child. Very peculiar and different simply set apart from all, I believe this is a blessing. And sometimes a curse within itself, I have been through many things in this life and experienced a lot. Out of everything this having my heart broke, has been the worse of them all. I will also let men in on the damage they do, when they respond to a woman like me. So, I know for a fact in my heart, this man started off with a attraction to me I know it. It was in the vibes and his actions and conversations, like things I would fall for. He was a dream everything a woman could hope for, but there was a pattern concerning him.

I was always honest with him from the start and in my own words, I basically said please don’t hurt me I have known enough hurt. I had that wall up for a while, but I trusted him not to be the same. He promised the bond wouldn’t be broken, and he would never allow anyone to come between us. And most of all our friendship that we had, he did this and more and broke promises. See I am guilty of loving this man far too much, to the point I know the damage he had done behind the scenes. Here is where speaking my truth came into the picture, when he was saying all these good things even with responding back to my I love you with a I love you too! Why say it if he didn’t mean It? God see and hear everything I know it to be true, he does, and most of all God does too. The only difference is, I would never have to show private text messages between us to a outsider(s) like he did and I know he did. I only share this here because I am telling my story and truth, see I sacrificed so much at the expense of LOVE. I genuinely love and was in love with this man, he made me this way. So even though he was saying everything he said to me, I started to see actions was different. I blame this a lot on the negative opinions from others, and other jealous people he put in the mix. I can also say I helped the change which was his fault, by telling him how he was saying one thing to me. But yet he was showing favoritism and indifference, and when it came to me he was pushing me away.

I then went on to tell him I simply wanted nothing else to do with him, we weren’t friends anymore and the bond was broken. I guess I should’ve never said that, because on top of another being too overly involved the man I love(d) was beyond confused. And he was beyond very wishy washy up and down one day, keeping me confused. He didn’t take what I said well and involved someone he should’ve never involved. He started to make me look like I was delusional, when fact is I was yet another to fall hard for him. I was one that was attracted to his heart and soul, and I forgave him for a lot. He broke trust, he betrayed me, and he made me question my worth with his judgemental ways and I kept loving the man. The man that let me wear his jacket when I was cold, the man that used to hug me with truth. And his smile could brighten up any of my dark days, the man that pushed me to be better. It was a soul connection and I know why, and it was meant to be.

In society I have had to deal with a lot of jealous females, because they thought I wasn’t cute enough. And I even heard them say what would he(a man) like me for? I had the fine man everyone wanted, and I mean that literally and would find out that they literally ended up with them(the man). My own blood literally went behind my back, and is married to my one of my ex. That’s just part of my pain and story, and the man I love(d) was surrounded by people with that same jealous spirit. And when you are not strong enough, and let negative opinions cloud your judgement. You will let it block your hearts truth, I seen the looks from them(the girls). I also know most of the looks came from them, because he was talking about me in some way. This is why we must be careful, with who we surround ourselves with. We become who we hang around with, and their words hold power.

Words hold power and when used wrong they can destroy a person, I remember it all. I remember being told by someone close, no man will want a sick wife(thyroid issues and anemia at that time). This let me know that someone close to me, was having conversations about me with the man I love(d) and that’s horrible. Jealousy played a huge part in this, and being to overly involved. I put the (d) on the end of love because I am praying, I am at the point now that if I don’t completely heal. I will die because the Love is that real, I am not angry with him. I overcame the questions of why and why not me? He has spent years judging me on my response to him, as if I was just supposed to take it. This man has taught me a lot, good and bad and second to his mother I know both sides of him very well. But, that will never take away from who I know he truly is. Yes I had questions and yes he broke my heart, and he and I are similar when it comes to emotions.

I love the man so much that I always end up the peacemaker, when he should be the one seeking forgiveness from me. For making me out to be someone I am not, just to cover himself in my opinion. I don’t blame him too much either, because another also played a part in helping to inflict this pain. He taught me well enough to know in spite of the change, it wasn’t me it was him. And I am more than good enough, I am beautiful enough. I never heard him speak these words, and when I brought it up to him what someone said he said. His response to me, was how would I know what he is attracted to. Well, I am a beautiful soul, who will no longer deal with indifference or manipulation. I am attractive enough and once my heart is completely heal, and I am past the I need him. And I am past the I will die without him, because he is my soulmate. Someone might ask how I know this, when he has caused a lot of drama?

A soulmate is someone who mirror back to you your imperfections, and challenges you to be a better you. You are connected on a spiritual, and emotional level. To the point you can hear and feel the other ones thoughts, the energy and connection is high. You don’t give up on your soulmate you love them eternally, and you overcome the bad. And love conquer all negativity, you live past the pain with forgiveness.

But I have learned I will have to live without him, because I cannot force no one to receive truth. And I cannot force anyone to lay their pride or stubbornness down, to see the fact that I have suffered because of him and I have been beyond forgiving. Something only God can get him to see within himself, I have faced my flaws. I can only pray people open their eyes to truth, to see they cannot judge your response to them as if it is your fault they caused you pain. That’s the most selfish thing someone can do to another person, and when you genuinely love someone you wouldn’t do that. And you will be just like me and love in truth, and choose to respond in a better way like I have in spite of the pain someone caused you.

It is personal.. Letting Go!

I made the mistake years ago in believing your words you spoke to me, words that touched my heart and soul. I believed you when you said our bond was special, and you would never allow anyone to come between us. I believed you when you said so much to me until I started seeing your actions, telling me one thing and then showing me another. I was then made to look like the wrong one, when I pointed this out to you. In spite of the lies and the indifference, what made it grow deeper is what I seen and felt in prayer. What I started to feel in my heart, knowing someone is meant to be in your life and they treat you like you have no worth or value. Cannot make up their mind one minute to the next, speaking to you one moment and treating you like you are the enemy the next moment. Someone you know is a good person deep inside, and yet you watch pride and stubbornness reveal truth you don’t want to believe because you know there is good inside you seen it so many times.

I was the one that was there to encourage and speak life many times, all the words spoken to you from me was truth. I wish you can go back to that gift I gave you, the words that were spoken to me to give to you. It is a hard thing to watch someone you love act in such a way and for what? This connection in feeling everything they feel is painful, feeling so connected to someone with your heart and soul is painful. Especially when they keep hurting you, and you just don’t understand why. But I cannot keep doing it, no matter how much I believe in you. No matter how much I love you, and no matter how much I adore you. I simply have no more words at all for you, I have been loyal and beyond. I trusted you and I wish you knew how much I need you, but I have to let you go. I don’t know what it is that hurt you, I don’t know what it is that cause you to respond in the way you have. I am confused, I am hurt, I am so tired and done with it all. You touched my soul and I wish you could see from my view, I cannot make you get it though. And I am done fighting with you, and most of all I am done fighting for you and I have to be. I am a soul, I have a heart, I have worth and I am beyond valuable dear heart and I do matter. I have seen the best in you and I pray for you, I fall asleep praying for you. I pray for you more than I do myself, after thanking God every morning I pray for you and everything concerning you. I pray that God strengthen you, Lord I love you so much in spite of it all. Truth is I just want you to see this, it has never been about attacking you. I honestly wanted you to see from my view, you cannot promise someone something and break the promise. You cannot take a chance on others, and then judge the one that speak truth to you…. I am the way that I am and have been for a long time because of you, I believe you let many cloud your vision and why the friendship ended is because of you.

Lord knows I believe in growth and I also believe we shouldn’t lose the best part of us. I find it really hard to understand what you are fighting against concerning me, what caused you to go silent. It is really crazy because something inside tells me, that you truly care and you really do love me. I can feel it but I got to let go now and cut the cord, I cannot fight anymore for peace with you only for it to be disturbed with your unsure actions. It is so funny to me when I hear more than one person say you never know, what I do know is I am done. I am so done with the games and the up and down, I am done with it all. This will never change my love and respect for you, and yes it do hurt so much. But I can do and I will do all things through Christ who is my strength. I forgive you and I have forgiven you more than once, I pray for you man. I pray that God heal and restore everything in you that you question and fear, I love you throughout eternity strong man, brave man, good man, the man I know you are.