Reasons a girl needs her father.

Sad part is I once knew men like R.Kelly and I once placed the blame off on my dad for not being there. A girl child needs her father so much that it is ridiculous, a father teaches a girl child what she deserves. I wondered why everyone else had their father, and I couldn’t have mine? I dealt with a lot of neglect and being pushed aside as if I didn’t matter, and that pain caused me to search for a love that never existed and that died back in 1999. I hated that man for years, and I promised I would never cry when he died. Why would I cry for a man that was barely ever there? I don’t know what it is, maybe it is the connection kids share with their parents no matter what due to birth. But I was broken that day the man that help give me life was gone. And I didn’t get the chance to ask him my so many how come? I was 14 when my dad died and here I am at 33, I will never birth a child into this world unless I am sure of the child father. Father’s be there for your kids especially your daughter, be the best good loving role model possible. You are molding her and preparing her, your true love and guidance will be her teacher of what she deserves in a man. I humbly ask that it be good and admirable, lead and guide her properly so she’ll never run into a R. Kelly.

A girl child needs her father for so many reasons so she won’t grow older and search for that void. So she will be stronger in the mind, and know what to stay away from. A father teaches his daughter the proper love, that good Love so she won’t run into the pretender. The pretender that pretend to love her, just to get into her mind and manipulate and control her. A pretender will find a young girl weakness and prey on it, knowing what he wants it to use and control her for his own personal gain. I have learned throughout life, the hurt people hurt people. Some men do it intentionally, and some men do it unintentionally. This is more than enough reason the girl child needs her father, and she needs him to show in action what genuine love is. And when she knows that genuine love, she’ll never accept anything less than the best.

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Dear You from me(conversation with God)

I have came to a conclusion here at the ending of 2018, and it took me a while but I got here. I listen to God often and today I heard Him loud and clear, He spoke to me and said my child life is too short to keep holding on to someone that don’t even know your worth. Someone who never took a true chance on getting to know you, someone who made a lot of promises to you and broke every single one without a care. Someone who lied to you, lied on you, and slandered your name in more ways than one. Someone you love(d) dearly and forgave over and over in spite of wrong, someone you respect(ed) and the person broke trust and respect with you. Someone who judged your flaws and you loved him through all of his, someone who taught you so much and brought deep hurt to you at the same time.

Someone who made you feel bad for pointing out the lies told to you, and made you feel like the wrong one for saying how the promises to you weren’t kept. My child you haven’t lost anything, you kept loving in spite of so much wrong. And one day he will see what was lost, he will see the depth of your loyalty. He will see the depth of your love, honor, and respect. He will see how he treated you indifferent and wronged you, shift now my child. I know you been hurting for a while, because you cannot understand how someone you trusted and shared your secrets with would bring you so much pain. Don’t let this linger any more heal completely now and move on to better, you have suffered and you have been kind. You have been loyal and you have loved in truth, you have been forgiving and beyond understanding. Have peace in knowing you have been good, and you have done in action what many denie in words. You have loved with your whole heart, and from the depths of your soul. I know you love him and he knows it too, but you deserve so much more better than what he has given you.

When Everything Goes Wrong.

I write for many reasons and one is to see in words what I desire to heal, and let go of. And I desire to heal from this broken heart I have, in fact my heart has been broken for years and I will tell you how it got that way. I am a honest person, and sometimes I can be too honest(is that really a thing) I cannot help that I am that way and it will never change. I am so honest I am the first person to hold me accountable, I believe in looking at both sides of a story. I am a reserved person and very quiet by nature, I have been this way since I was a little child. Very peculiar and different simply set apart from all, I believe this is a blessing. And sometimes a curse within itself, I have been through many things in this life and experienced a lot. Out of everything this having my heart broke, has been the worse of them all. I will also let men in on the damage they do, when they respond to a woman like me. So, I know for a fact in my heart, this man started off with a attraction to me I know it. It was in the vibes and his actions and conversations, like things I would fall for. He was a dream everything a woman could hope for, but there was a pattern concerning him.

I was always honest with him from the start and in my own words, I basically said please don’t hurt me I have known enough hurt. I had that wall up for a while, but I trusted him not to be the same. He promised the bond wouldn’t be broken, and he would never allow anyone to come between us. And most of all our friendship that we had, he did this and more and broke promises. See I am guilty of loving this man far too much, to the point I know the damage he had done behind the scenes. Here is where speaking my truth came into the picture, when he was saying all these good things even with responding back to my I love you with a I love you too! Why say it if he didn’t mean It? God see and hear everything I know it to be true, he does, and most of all God does too. The only difference is, I would never have to show private text messages between us to a outsider(s) like he did and I know he did. I only share this here because I am telling my story and truth, see I sacrificed so much at the expense of LOVE. I genuinely love and was in love with this man, he made me this way. So even though he was saying everything he said to me, I started to see actions was different. I blame this a lot on the negative opinions from others, and other jealous people he put in the mix. I can also say I helped the change which was his fault, by telling him how he was saying one thing to me. But yet he was showing favoritism and indifference, and when it came to me he was pushing me away.

I then went on to tell him I simply wanted nothing else to do with him, we weren’t friends anymore and the bond was broken. I guess I should’ve never said that, because on top of another being too overly involved the man I love(d) was beyond confused. And he was beyond very wishy washy up and down one day, keeping me confused. He didn’t take what I said well and involved someone he should’ve never involved. He started to make me look like I was delusional, when fact is I was yet another to fall hard for him. I was one that was attracted to his heart and soul, and I forgave him for a lot. He broke trust, he betrayed me, and he made me question my worth with his judgemental ways and I kept loving the man. The man that let me wear his jacket when I was cold, the man that used to hug me with truth. And his smile could brighten up any of my dark days, the man that pushed me to be better. It was a soul connection and I know why, and it was meant to be.

In society I have had to deal with a lot of jealous females, because they thought I wasn’t cute enough. And I even heard them say what would he(a man) like me for? I had the fine man everyone wanted, and I mean that literally and would find out that they literally ended up with them(the man). My own blood literally went behind my back, and is married to my one of my ex. That’s just part of my pain and story, and the man I love(d) was surrounded by people with that same jealous spirit. And when you are not strong enough, and let negative opinions cloud your judgement. You will let it block your hearts truth, I seen the looks from them(the girls). I also know most of the looks came from them, because he was talking about me in some way. This is why we must be careful, with who we surround ourselves with. We become who we hang around with, and their words hold power.

Words hold power and when used wrong they can destroy a person, I remember it all. I remember being told by someone close, no man will want a sick wife(thyroid issues and anemia at that time). This let me know that someone close to me, was having conversations about me with the man I love(d) and that’s horrible. Jealousy played a huge part in this, and being to overly involved. I put the (d) on the end of love because I am praying, I am at the point now that if I don’t completely heal. I will die because the Love is that real, I am not angry with him. I overcame the questions of why and why not me? He has spent years judging me on my response to him, as if I was just supposed to take it. This man has taught me a lot, good and bad and second to his mother I know both sides of him very well. But, that will never take away from who I know he truly is. Yes I had questions and yes he broke my heart, and he and I are similar when it comes to emotions.

I love the man so much that I always end up the peacemaker, when he should be the one seeking forgiveness from me. For making me out to be someone I am not, just to cover himself in my opinion. I don’t blame him too much either, because another also played a part in helping to inflict this pain. He taught me well enough to know in spite of the change, it wasn’t me it was him. And I am more than good enough, I am beautiful enough. I never heard him speak these words, and when I brought it up to him what someone said he said. His response to me, was how would I know what he is attracted to. Well, I am a beautiful soul, who will no longer deal with indifference or manipulation. I am attractive enough and once my heart is completely heal, and I am past the I need him. And I am past the I will die without him, because he is my soulmate. Someone might ask how I know this, when he has caused a lot of drama?

A soulmate is someone who mirror back to you your imperfections, and challenges you to be a better you. You are connected on a spiritual, and emotional level. To the point you can hear and feel the other ones thoughts, the energy and connection is high. You don’t give up on your soulmate you love them eternally, and you overcome the bad. And love conquer all negativity, you live past the pain with forgiveness.

But I have learned I will have to live without him, because I cannot force no one to receive truth. And I cannot force anyone to lay their pride or stubbornness down, to see the fact that I have suffered because of him and I have been beyond forgiving. Something only God can get him to see within himself, I have faced my flaws. I can only pray people open their eyes to truth, to see they cannot judge your response to them as if it is your fault they caused you pain. That’s the most selfish thing someone can do to another person, and when you genuinely love someone you wouldn’t do that. And you will be just like me and love in truth, and choose to respond in a better way like I have in spite of the pain someone caused you.

Broken Heart

When you sleep the day away to avoid thinking about the one you Love, and even then the one you Love end up in your dreams. You cannot understand why the LOVE won’t go away, it has been years and you have prayed and cried dear God please take it from my heart and soul. A person who means so much to you and helped save you, challenged you for the better and helped make you a better person. Someone you was beyond loyal to and encouraged through hard times, was there just to listen any time you was needed.

How do you just over look the hurt and pain they caused You? I mean they did nothing in the end but judge you and for what? You watched the one you Love in truth, past the flaws he has and the broken promises he made. You watched him go out his way to get to know others, and judge you without truly knowing you and started to push you away when things got too deep. When outsiders voiced their jealous opinions on your bond, when outsiders started to worry about something that truly didn’t concern them. But you really cannot blame them when he put them their, he cannot make up his mind what he wants from you. One day he is kind to you and the next, he treats you like you are his enemy and for what like what is he struggling with? You are only guilty of loving him genuinely, and wondering what’s up with his negative actions? So many unanswered questions you left with, and now you are stuck. You stuck in love with a man you adore, you know he is meant to be in your life in some kind of a way. You know you need him and deep down inside you feel he care, but you refuse to deal with a indecisive man. One who just has so much to heal from, because when you hurt someone who truly love you and believe in you. And has done nothing but respect and protect you, even in times you didn’t deserve it she still genuinely love you. That’s a loyal friend, a good woman, who really cherish you and you just hurt her because she love you in your opinion just too much. Now she left living with a broken heart, finding ways to survive without the one she truly loves and that ain’t a easy task. But she goes on daily, hoping and praying that with time it gets better.

It is personal.. Letting Go!

I made the mistake years ago in believing your words you spoke to me, words that touched my heart and soul. I believed you when you said our bond was special, and you would never allow anyone to come between us. I believed you when you said so much to me until I started seeing your actions, telling me one thing and then showing me another. I was then made to look like the wrong one, when I pointed this out to you. In spite of the lies and the indifference, what made it grow deeper is what I seen and felt in prayer. What I started to feel in my heart, knowing someone is meant to be in your life and they treat you like you have no worth or value. Cannot make up their mind one minute to the next, speaking to you one moment and treating you like you are the enemy the next moment. Someone you know is a good person deep inside, and yet you watch pride and stubbornness reveal truth you don’t want to believe because you know there is good inside you seen it so many times.

I was the one that was there to encourage and speak life many times, all the words spoken to you from me was truth. I wish you can go back to that gift I gave you, the words that were spoken to me to give to you. It is a hard thing to watch someone you love act in such a way and for what? This connection in feeling everything they feel is painful, feeling so connected to someone with your heart and soul is painful. Especially when they keep hurting you, and you just don’t understand why. But I cannot keep doing it, no matter how much I believe in you. No matter how much I love you, and no matter how much I adore you. I simply have no more words at all for you, I have been loyal and beyond. I trusted you and I wish you knew how much I need you, but I have to let you go. I don’t know what it is that hurt you, I don’t know what it is that cause you to respond in the way you have. I am confused, I am hurt, I am so tired and done with it all. You touched my soul and I wish you could see from my view, I cannot make you get it though. And I am done fighting with you, and most of all I am done fighting for you and I have to be. I am a soul, I have a heart, I have worth and I am beyond valuable dear heart and I do matter. I have seen the best in you and I pray for you, I fall asleep praying for you. I pray for you more than I do myself, after thanking God every morning I pray for you and everything concerning you. I pray that God strengthen you, Lord I love you so much in spite of it all. Truth is I just want you to see this, it has never been about attacking you. I honestly wanted you to see from my view, you cannot promise someone something and break the promise. You cannot take a chance on others, and then judge the one that speak truth to you…. I am the way that I am and have been for a long time because of you, I believe you let many cloud your vision and why the friendship ended is because of you.

Lord knows I believe in growth and I also believe we shouldn’t lose the best part of us. I find it really hard to understand what you are fighting against concerning me, what caused you to go silent. It is really crazy because something inside tells me, that you truly care and you really do love me. I can feel it but I got to let go now and cut the cord, I cannot fight anymore for peace with you only for it to be disturbed with your unsure actions. It is so funny to me when I hear more than one person say you never know, what I do know is I am done. I am so done with the games and the up and down, I am done with it all. This will never change my love and respect for you, and yes it do hurt so much. But I can do and I will do all things through Christ who is my strength. I forgive you and I have forgiven you more than once, I pray for you man. I pray that God heal and restore everything in you that you question and fear, I love you throughout eternity strong man, brave man, good man, the man I know you are.

2AM

For the last few nights I have been up way past time simply because my mind won’t stop moving. He has been on my mind the good and the bad, wondering what do you do when you understand a person response. But don’t understand their reaction, everything from the last few years are coming back to me. I am reminded of the pain because of him, being anywhere close to him brings up the pain.

Truth is I took time to try to get rid of something that won’t leave, you cannot make anyone see they are supposed to be in your life. You cannot make anyone see the pain they have caused, when they are simply too selfish. I haven’t been the only one to bring this word to life regarding him and it is truth. The most selfish, stubborn, prideful, good, loving, awesome man I have known. Everyone has two sides to them and it is simple hell that I know them both, when you love someone you love through the good and the bad. He took my heart and soul from me, I love him so much it hurts. And I mean that literally it is painful, it is a thought process of why? Why will my heart not let him go, I know the answer is because I am supposed to love him. He is supposed to be in my life I need him to be there so much, that it simply aches every inch of my soul. The love for him gave me reason and helped saved my life, when it simply felt hard to breathe. Even though it hurts so bad, I have to let him go. He don’t deserve this love and he’ll honestly never find one like me, that will be loyal as I have and understanding. No more, I am tired, you cannot win with a prideful and stubborn heart. There is simply nothing else left to give, Dear God please heal. Please restore and rebuild and don’t allow this pain, to be inflicted off on others. Don’t allow not understanding to cause unwanted questions. I am more than worthy to call friend, I am worth it to get to know. I am a good woman who is beautiful and loving, I am a soul with a heart who matters. I am fearfully and wonderfully made, I am awesome and a good loyal woman. I will have s support system around me, one who shows no jealousy. Ones who don’t gossip, or do horrible backbiting and tearing me down as a human. I will be blessed with family who isn’t blood, that will Love and cherish me through the good and the bad.

I am not afraid to let go anymore of anything or anyone who is toxic, I am not afraid to let go of people who cause me to question my worth and don’t understand my value. I know it is okay to love from a distance, especially if you have tried to exist in peace more than once. It is okay to be free of anyone who hurts you, and has shown you nothing but pain and selfish ways.

Healing Powers

Everything still leads back to you and the silence was hurting me. I could lay everything out on the table starting with pain, I could lay the broken shattered heart out too. Them moments when I simply don’t feel like dealing with you, the lies and tears too. I could put it all on the table for you, especially those moments I hated you. You broke promises to me and simply had no remorse at all, you broke trust when you betrayed me more than once. I still hear the words oh you simply love him, and fact is I loved you way past all the flaws. I am that real life story of when love wins, I am that real life story of loving deeply from your soul and heart.. That kind of love that conquers all especially the bad times, that love that over powers the indifference I have endured because of you. Like the more than one occasion of brokenness because of you, the dealing with the after effects of hate, jealousy, and resentment from those that don’t know me.. And it is all because of the jealousy they have when it comes to you, it still hunts me to this day. And it all starts with you and the many words of betrayal spoken by you, I literally have to pray for strength just to get through.

Wondering will the day ever come when my heart and soul is clean, and renewed from the shattered pieces of you. Healing Powers I reach to the Heavens for you, I reach to you for strength, courage, wisdom, and endurance to live. To live my best life without you no longer being there, I learned in the process it isn’t me and all you. You cannot make a person see the good in you and the Love, you cannot make a person receive it either. You cannot make a person open up their broken heart, you cannot make a person stop hurting you. You can simply remove anything toxic, anything that’s not healthy for you. People will treat you how you allow them to treat you, and to let them understand the true depths of your worth. Sometimes you simply have to walk away and no longer deal with them, knowing yes you could rip them a part by letting them know how badly they hurt you. But, that won’t do any good at all for you especially when you genuinely love them. Especially when you would do anything to protect him, even if that means looking like the bad one and living without that genuine I am sorry I know I hurt you.

Dear #Women sometimes you will feel like the wait of the world is on your shoulders, and about 70% of the time it will be behind a selfish man. But never allow the actions of any selfish person to stop your growth, keep going and keep knowing The Highest Power has you protected. Let go of the #hate because it will only block your blessings, and no one is worth your blessings being put on hold. The best way I can put this is make room for #healing , and simply be HEALED!!!!!