2AM

For the last few nights I have been up way past time simply because my mind won’t stop moving. He has been on my mind the good and the bad, wondering what do you do when you understand a person response. But don’t understand their reaction, everything from the last few years are coming back to me. I am reminded of the pain because of him, being anywhere close to him brings up the pain.

Truth is I took time to try to get rid of something that won’t leave, you cannot make anyone see they are supposed to be in your life. You cannot make anyone see the pain they have caused, when they are simply too selfish. I haven’t been the only one to bring this word to life regarding him and it is truth. The most selfish, stubborn, prideful, good, loving, awesome man I have known. Everyone has two sides to them and it is simple hell that I know them both, when you love someone you love through the good and the bad. He took my heart and soul from me, I love him so much it hurts. And I mean that literally it is painful, it is a thought process of why? Why will my heart not let him go, I know the answer is because I am supposed to love him. He is supposed to be in my life I need him to be there so much, that it simply aches every inch of my soul. The love for him gave me reason and helped saved my life, when it simply felt hard to breathe. Even though it hurts so bad, I have to let him go. He don’t deserve this love and he’ll honestly never find one like me, that will be loyal as I have and understanding. No more, I am tired, you cannot win with a prideful and stubborn heart. There is simply nothing else left to give, Dear God please heal. Please restore and rebuild and don’t allow this pain, to be inflicted off on others. Don’t allow not understanding to cause unwanted questions. I am more than worthy to call friend, I am worth it to get to know. I am a good woman who is beautiful and loving, I am a soul with a heart who matters. I am fearfully and wonderfully made, I am awesome and a good loyal woman. I will have s support system around me, one who shows no jealousy. Ones who don’t gossip, or do horrible backbiting and tearing me down as a human. I will be blessed with family who isn’t blood, that will Love and cherish me through the good and the bad.

I am not afraid to let go anymore of anything or anyone who is toxic, I am not afraid to let go of people who cause me to question my worth and don’t understand my value. I know it is okay to love from a distance, especially if you have tried to exist in peace more than once. It is okay to be free of anyone who hurts you, and has shown you nothing but pain and selfish ways.

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Indifference

What do you do and how do you respond to people who cannot see their wrong? Because pride and pure stubbornness blocks truth, how do you deal with someone who favors and cares for others more? And basically show in actions you don’t matter, and your feelings don’t matter when fact is every soul matters. And we must be careful with how we treat all people, no matter what we speak it’s the actions that truly matter. So without actions words are just null and void, then when you add disrespect and disloyalty on top of that you have nothing. And for any relationship to prosper, there must be respect from every side without jealousy. Without mess or drama and backbiting, mixed with nothing but lies. What do anyone accomplish by doing that, and by staying in the midst of something and allowing themselves to be put in the middle? Anyone that gossip and entertain mess, and don’t shut the mess carrier down simply thrive off of foolishness.

Some people don’t understand the reaction that they receive, is simply because they deserve it. Especially when you don’t know what you will get. One moment they are one way and the next silence got their tounge, why because they are afraid of what others may think? Or simply in too deep under the control, of someone who stay too involved and for what? What are people’s motives in playing a part in other people’s pain? Why worry yourself with something that don’t concern you at all? And why allow another to put you in the midst, why continue to bring pain to someone who been there since day one? Where is the loyalty in a person like this and do they care? The answer is no they don’t care, because they show it in their actions. When they treat you like you are the enemy, when the only thing you are guilty of is loving too much. And being loyal to people that wasn’t loyal to you, so what do you do? I mean you can only be understanding for so long, and to be truthful there are no excuses for their unjust actions. No excuses whatsoever to mistreat someone, to throw a good person under the bus without care. And to judge them for what they assume they may know, truth is that isn’t love. Love don’t keep any record of wrong doing, and love will never hurt someone they say they love and care about. Nor will Love make you feel small, or feel as if your feelings and your heart don’t matter. So what do you do to make them understand and get it? You simply have to stop talking, because you cannot force hard hearts to open up or to see their wrong and get they aren’t always right. And they haven’t been right or done right for a long time, true change isn’t temporary. And the key is to learn from our mistakes, and not continue to repeat them.

A person who is real won’t continue to allow disrespect or games, and will never allow people to continue to treat them in a unjust way. Full with nothing but indifference, and wrong treatment. You teach people how to treat you by what you allow, and if you continue to allow disrespect and pain. That’s exactly what you will get until you stand up for yourself, and you aren’t wrong for speaking the truth you have that right.

To My Clark Kent

There are so many reasons I can name why I love you, fact is a blog can only be so long. I wish I would’ve knew you before all the pain, but I believe you came at the right time and what started off as admiration. Turned into a divine connection, and deep down you will always know this too. Many got involved with jealousy, and just so much more. But that never stopped me from loving you, even when what they said and did. Caused you to change it never stopped me from loving you, because I know what I seen and I know what I felt deep within my heart. Truth is you don’t get this type of connection but once, you are the strongest man I know and you have been through the fire. And on some occasions I have felt the burn, when you hurt I hurt. When you are down I pray for your strength, when you feel overwhelmed by so much I can feel it. And I trust God to lift it and ease every burden, there is no doubt that if I saw you in danger I would step right in the way. I would lay my life down for you, because I believe in you and see the purpose deep within you. Words couldn’t even describe why I love you so much(dear God why the tears right now) this love I have for you comes deep from within my soul. I am connected to you for a reason and I have tried to break it, I have even prayed to God to take it all away from me.

I know you aren’t my saviour you are just a natural man with flaws, nowhere near perfect. You can be very stubborn at times too, and Dear God sometimes you work my last nerves but it only makes me love you more. Second to God you helped save my life and you pushed me to be better, you pushed me to be a stronger woman. When no one else believed in me, you were there for me. You were there in my darkest hours and pushed me, when I felt like my life was over and was ready to give up you pushed me. That night I can remember feeling lifeless, I felt pain and so much more on the inside of me. I thought it was over and I was in complete tears, because I didn’t understand so much. And you called me at the request of someone, and you spoke life when all hope had left me. I didn’t think I would see another day but your faith, and your prayer and you believing in me pushed me through. And you telling me I am stronger than I was giving myself credit for, pushed me and you are a huge reason why I am the woman I am today. Your heart, your will, your spirit, your kindness, the love you have for many. The way you fight and give your all, the way you believe and see good in spite of any circumstances you trust it will turn around. Your smile and just your presence is light, you are the link I know it. And your story of truth will help save many, you are smart and bold and strong too. You are a hard worker and you stand with dignity, you are a gift to me! And as long as you are here on this earth, together are not together I will honor you and everything about you. The world is so much better because you are here, and that is enough for me. I respect your choices and your word, I respect you with everything in me. And I want nothing more than to see you happy and living your best life, I am selfless enough to say that with truth as long as you are happy. Where ever you are in the world, that will be just fine with me. It won’t be easy but I accept it because it’s your choice, no matter what you will always be my Ace and my Clark Kent!!!!

Simply the strongest and most courageous man ever, you taught me the meaning of true LOVE and why I will teach it to many. Love has many levels to it, and sometimes you have to go through some things to understand how solid it is and can be. Love is patient, Love is kind, Love doesn’t envy, Love doesn’t boast, Love isn’t proud. Love isn’t self-seeking, Love isn’t easily angered, Love keeps no record of wrong. LOVE is so beautiful and a gift, through the good and the bad I have been that and so much more concerning you. Love will always win and that’s a fact, LOVE has the power to heal anything.

Dear Diary

I have had dreams and looked into the future with a smile. Seeing me join my hand with yours, next to you loving you. I honor your life and you are so special to me, forever in this life King. I call you King because it is your birth right, true royalty you are the most annoying and amazing man wrapped up in one. I take the good with the bad because that’s LOVE, the good always outweigh the bad. You inspire me for the better, and you challenge me to be my best me as possible. Before you I thought I knew what love was and fact is I didn’t, LOVE is everything the bible says it is and more.

One of the words that sticks out to me the most is endurance, Lord knows I have literally been through hell and back regarding you. Betrayal and broken promises to me, but yet I still believe. I believe in the man I know you are so deeply, the man that is walking into greatness. The man who in spite of his stubbornness. Is smart, wise, gentle, caring, giving, and one who will never quit. The man who really loves people, the man who would give his last to help out those he love. The man who strength is beyond remarkable, could literally carry the weight of the world with a smile. I know when you are down though you cannot hide it from me, but you carry things so well. I love your will to push in spite of the storms, I love you because you make me better and push me out my comfort zone. I love you because with God first, you helped save my life. I know how things started and the connection, I also know how other people got involved and me not understanding your ways and being distant and cold at times. Played a huge part in pushing you away, I know there has been so much not understanding one another. But one thing for sure is you have my heart, you are the greatest man I know. I have tried to stop loving you dear God I have, I simply came to the conclusion it is in my heart eternal. I adore you with every fiber of my being, and yes you had it right I will never want to know this world without you. Because fact is I would lose my mind, I get mad at how much I love you. And I ask God to take it away like all of it, truth is I know it won’t go away because I was meant to love you. No matter the outcome I will always love you regardless, because this bond was made before time and not even hell or storms could break it and that’s eternal.

Dear Diary: God says love is patient(I have been that) God says love is kind, I have been that too even when I was mad at you. Love doesn’t envy, I only honor you. Love isn’t proud or self-seeking or easily angered, Lord knows there have been times I could’ve hurt your feelings. But, I have always went out of my way to protect your feelings and cover you. Even if it meant taking the blame and saying I am sorry, even when I wasn’t wrong. I have did it all and more because the LOVE is real, I even question myself. How can I love someone who hasn’t been loyal like I have to him? How can I love someone who has broke trust, promises, and hurt me? Simple for better or worse and that’s what a woman does, when you believe in someone so much you don’t give up on them. And in spite of the bad the good wins, and true LOVE conquers all.

Love in the midst of the storm.

How do you deal with a situation that is emotionally draining? One that breaks your heart over and over, not understanding why a person is the way they are. Like what hurt them so deeply to cause them to reject, and push away a love that is pure and unconditionally true? What causes them to block something with a harden heart? I mean take a chance on getting to know everyone else around, but block and stay guarded from the one that has done nothing but love and honor them with respect.. What causes a person to be so cold towards love, and hurt love like the heart doesn’t matter? Could it be the outside voice that stays too overly concerned and controlling? This is why people should mind their business when it comes to friendships, relationships, or situations that don’t involve them at all. Because while they think they might be helping, they are only adding more fuel to a already harsh burning fire(just back off) better yet just stay out of it all together.

If someone brings a situation to you and it doesn’t involve you, the best response is I don’t want to hear it you two work it out. You two sit down and hash it out and be truly honest with one another. That way you won’t be involved in gossip(that’s what it is) when both parties aren’t around to hear. And one person is saying to the outsider what should’ve been said to the one involved. Fact is hurt people hurt people and do they care is a big question? You have one person who is loyal, respectful, caring, and honest with nothing but love in their heart. That believed and trusted only to get hurt and betrayed for what? Why do people push away those who love them and never would hurt them? Why do people play games and judge people who they don’t know in truth, and never took the chance to genuinely know? Why do people hurt people with their horrible actions, and then turn around and play victim like they done nothing wrong? People in today’s society don’t value and cherish people in truth, they don’t honor and respect those who genuinely value them and would never hurt them. They treat those who love them in truth like the enemy, the ones that put up with their mess and all their flawed ways and never hurt them. The ones that protect them even when they aren’t around, even when they throw the ones that LOVE them under the bus with their selfish and prideful ways.

You have to be one blessed person who has anyone in your life, that will endure the storms with you and still love you in your crazy ways. You should stop and question, why do this person still love me so much even after all I done and all the hurt I caused? Why would this person still believe in me? Why would this person still respect me and be gentle? Fact is when you genuinely love someone, you don’t give up on them in spite of their flaws. You don’t throw them away like they don’t hold value, you continue to give them GRACE even when they don’t deserve it. When you love someone from your heart, and the depth of your soul it is eternal and forever.

The sting of judgement

I see this so often going on in the world daily. It causes youth to have anxiety, depression, stress, and so much other invisible pain. And for what? Because they are trying to figure themselves out, to try and fit to the standards of what society has stated is beautiful and acceptable and it is extremely unfair. And then you have those who judge you for being you. When you are a introvert or empath it isn’t easy to come out, so why pick apart someone like that with judgement? Oh, they too quiet and not approachable that’s judgement and saying you don’t think they are good enough. Have the world ever thought about the damage that does? Let me let you inside the head of a empath/introvert and just maybe you will understand a little better. And then just maybe the attack of character will stop.

A introvert stays reserved for many reasons and one is comfort. In a big world where it is already hard to survive, a introvert stays sheltered to keep themselves away from pain. More than likely somewhere on their path they were hurt by some people or a person. And find it hard to trust after more than one incident of hurt, so to avoid this problem and not being hurt again they shelter themselves and close off. There own space is comfort and safety, they have tried more than once to put themselves out there and trust over and over again. Just to get the same result from people, so before you try to judge someone like this. Why not try and meet them were they are? Why not try and get to know them and understand them? It is call adapting and adjustment, you help a introvert see that you aren’t like the rest. Because a introvert watch your actions above all things, and that’s because the truth of who you are is in your actions. You cannot say anything to a introvert and not have them hold you accountable, they watch to believe you.

#Empath A empath carries the weight of the world on their shoulders, and at the top of that list that is emotions. A empath is a emotional human who can feel and sense lies from truth, they are like sponges. And once they sense rejection, it’s like a knife stuck in a already painful situation. Rejecting someone without genuinely taking the opportunity to get to know someone. A empath picks up on vibes and what is in the heart and minds of others. A empath picks up on every emotion another person has, they sense the aura of anyone. So if they sense resentment and harsh feelings and a harden heart, they will deal with you accordingly. They will usually distance themselves, this is done to protect themselves the best way they know how. Mix a introvert with a empath, you have one of the most kindest, caring, giving, protecting human beings. Who live in their minds and feel deeply, who has such a big heart that it soaks up unintentionally the emotions of the world. A empath thoughts are how can I help heal the world, without allowing the world to drain me? A empath is a loving person, who loves deeply. A introvert don’t take to many people especially those who judge, and hurt and push them away after they took the chance to let you in. A introvert will always connect with those the universe has lined up for them already. A empath truly loves people and care deeply, so to blame someone like this before knowing who they are. Is simply adding heartbreak on them, because they fight daily for balance and they don’t bother or hurt anyone. So to judge them for who they are, just goes to show why they stay sheltered from people who show favoritism/indifference towards them because of who they are.

So before you judge anyone search within yourself, and ask how do I treat all people? Just imagine a person like this stepping out their comfort zone. You have to meet people half way and love all in truth, it isn’t ok to pick and choose especially when you are in a situation of dealing with different people. And if it is a empath this is a very delicate person, someone who is already fragile.

Truth Be Told

I just about reached that point again that I spent a long time running from, that moment I realized you were still there in my heart. I did so much to cover it up and hide the love, so I spent all day questioning after everything Why? Why are you still in my heart like you are? Why is love still so heavy in my heart, and why are you embedded there? And no matter how much I try to hide it, and run from it and the reminder of no longer having you there. You are the one I’ll love until the day I die, you will live in my heart forever. I know the conversation between me and the Most High concerning you, but I also know the place I am in too. A place where I desire to strengthen me even more, to be the best me possible. To spread the Love of God the best way I know, to continue to be focused on what matters in this moment to me the most. Yes, you are one of a kind special to me and my soul. I’ll never disrespect you and this you know, I would die for you. I have already proven my loyalty to you, and I have already proven the truth of what genuine love is when it comes to loving you.

Love is when you see past a person flaws and love them still. Love is when you have disagreements, but you find ways to see yourself through them. Love is in spite of differences you never lose hope, faith, trust, or understanding. Love keeps no record of wrong and will conquer hate, anger, and resentment. Love is what will see anyone through the fire and back to life. Love will even conquer death just like Jesus did, and will live throughout eternity. That’s the kind of love I have hidden in my heart for you, there was once a time I found it hard to breathe without you. And I honestly didn’t know how I would live without you, but thank God for His Love and my prayers to Him. He saw me through and continues to see me through daily, and any time I get back to that moment of feeling the pain of not having you there. I lean on God and I trust Him to hold me together, I wish I could snap my fingers and the love will just go away. But truth is I have accepted that it won’t and that’s because you took my heart so long ago.

I thought I knew what Love was before knowing you. But you taught me what it truly is, and that it first starts with loving myself and knowing my worth. You taught me so much and helped save my life, I wish I would’ve knew you before it all and had you there to hear me like you always did. You pushed me to be better, and you pushed me to do better and to find my true strength. They may say why do you still love him after betrayal, broken promises, disloyalty, and indifference? My response to that is when you genuinely love someone, you don’t stop loving them because of their flaws. You pray for them, you fast for them, you keep on having faith in them. You remember the good in them and let it outweigh the bad, you don’t throw them away or push them away. Because you know they are genuinely better than that, and you know the greatness that is deep on the inside of them.