Oh wow where do I start? I would like to give this a proper name & the only thing I can think of is “My Panic Disorder” it has lived with me off and on since the age of 14 years old. The last time I really suffered heavily with it was in 2016 it’s 2023 now from that time until now I had control at least I thought I did. If a thought slipped in my mind trying to cause fear I could quickly tuck it away without a problem, and I would simply go on.
But it’s back and it’s been heavy the disorder is like an illness like cancer that eats away at your brain. It consumes you in unwanted fear& it’s a thief, it causes you to die over and over that’s what panic disorder is. You would think after the first one the next wouldn’t bring such chaos, oh but it does and it’s simply overwhelming and stressful and you live in fear of the next one. With my disorder comes depression, suicidal ideation and that’s because it gets so tough& you simply get tired of going through the same mental anguish. I asked God to show me more, what does he have me here for still? Like there has to be more than this, I broke down in tears and spoke out loud if I knew my ending on my own wouldn’t keep me from you God I would end it because it’s miserable.
I hate at any moment I begin to feel consumed and overwhelmed by pain in my body& the thoughts of not feeling completely alive. I want the chance to enjoy life completely without the attacks or feeling trapped, I want my good and a fulfilling love. I want everything good and yet I was dealt a difficult hand with flaws& how I be treated just makes it all the worse. I prayerfully in spite of the setbacks and emotional outbursts that God grants me serenity, I pray he grants me the desires of my heart& that I’m able to actually see my latter be greater. I’ve fought very hard for it through the good& bad I fight very hard for it, even when I feel like giving in& giving up. There’s a push that says dry your eyes Ebony it’s not finished yet, what is that “it” Lord? Please help me find my eternal purpose on this earth, and help me reach my goal. I haven’t endured this hell because I like torture, I’ve endured because I’m determined to see the grace that’s waiting on the other side of pain.
ladyebonyl 