Reflecting after the rain

I been sleeping off and on for the last six days. I guess you could say I been mentally and emotionally drained, I was working through pain and a whole world of stress. Dealing with issue after issue, I remember saying I feel like I’m losing it. Anger at a all time high with a low state of mind, losing someone you loved dearly because of their ignorance and selfish ways. I was on the end of a ledge mentally and I was falling, I was falling for many reasons. And I couldn’t stop saying Lord help me, I was at the point of hating people and writing many off. This was simply because of the pain so many brought, I got tired. I got tired of work and I simply got tired of him, so I been sleeping and some days I been simply angry.

What I have learned is you cannot heal what you cover up or try to hide, and that’s why I’ll always continue to be me authentically and free. I refuse to be like him, cold and selfish and completely heartless and only care about himself and don’t take others feelings into consideration. Someone who has allowed pain to win, and is afraid to love and to be loved. Someone who almost changed me for the bad and almost stole the good from me. I will never excuse a selfish being who don’t have respect for others and aren’t mindful of others feelings or their heart. Someone who is manipulating and likes control, I can forgive and move on to heal me. But, I’ll never forget the pain and the lesson that was taught in the midst. I love too hard, and often that has been my biggest curse. It has been a pain pulling machine, and as a empath that can become draining in every single way.

It’s better to love than not to love at all and I won’t be afraid to let go and love again one day. I won’t make the next person pay for the mistakes of the one before, that would simply be selfish of me. I won’t block giving another a chance, simply because I know he will always be apart of me. A connection like none other with a magnetic field between us in spite of, one who taught me how to calm down and think a little more before moving or speaking. One who could hug me, and I literally felt safe in his arms. One I could play fight with and laugh with joy with, one who through the good and bad made me a better me. I’ll never not acknowledge a blessing in any lesson, I am too wise for that.

Forgiveness

I grew up being taught about the things God like and don’t like, it was the don’t like that brought me a lot of fear and not understanding for a long time in life. I grew up COGIC so many things couldn’t be done, simply because God didn’t like them as we were taught in Religion. COGIC has so much in common with the Amish teaching, that being taught only this way the RIGHT way would get you into Heaven and the not right way would carry you to hell. There was so many not right ways, so therefore I felt like what was right? The women couldn’t wear anything but skirts, and that was because they over did that scripture of a woman shouldn’t wear anything pertaining to a man. Yes, that’s right it was a sin in(man) eyes as a religious belief. Wearing makeup was a huge no amongst other things, excuse my truth. But, as I look back now that was a cult like mind teaching in my opinion. And as I got older I started searching for myself, see as a child the adults teach you religion and you had no other choice but to follow their way. And there is one thing that is loud and clear, they cannot teach you Relationship it’s something you have to find on your own.

In my opinion I believe it’s why many fall away from the church. They are simply searching for something, and that’s a void that needs to be filled and found on their own. I simply had to leave because of truth, I couldn’t understand how some who was supposed to know better brought so much pain mentally and emotionally. Pain brought by gossiping(in the bible and God don’t like it) and showing indifference(be careful how you treat all people because you never know when you could be amongst a angel) they simply faught the love that was being shown by giving rejection and disappointments. The one(s) who should’ve known better, simply brought pain by wrong actions mixed with confusion and so many why(s) and how come? Those who knew better were acting in a worldly mind, and that should’ve never been. See many people blame the building for hurt. It wasn’t the building that hurt you, it was the people in the building who brought the hurt. People who knew better and should’ve known better, and God said forgive them for they know not what they do. Well, Lord they did know what they were doing, and they never knew the great pain their gossiping and judgement would cause. Did they know the depth of the cost of a soul lost in pain? A soul that deserved protection from nonsense, and feelings of jealousy.

See religion keeps you in a box and with a closed mind. Anyone in a RIGHTeous relationship with the Highest Power, would never cause unspeakable pain to any soul. They would be mindful of their actions, they would remember the human and the soul. Humans with souls have feelings and they are valuable, a human who has worth and so much purpose deserve the same love so freely given. Truth is everyone needs a Relationship with a Power that is Higher than them. That Power keeps you on a balance, it helps you see clearly and it keeps love in your heart and peace in your mind. It’s the Power that helps you forgive those that wronged you, and taught you some things you had to unteach yourself and see the bigger picture. That a Power of Love and light looks at what is in your heart, looks at how you treat all people and not just certain ones. Looks at the good you put out into the universe, looks at the work you do to help make the world a better place than it is. That kinda love don’t judge people as if you were that Power that isn’t human form, that Power is One beyond this world and higher than the eye can see. That Power is Greatness of perfection, and created in the image of our hearts that is the source and the connection. Some call that Power God, Jesus, Allah, Yeshua, Great I am etc. I believe Malcolm said it best, it don’t matter what you call that Power just as long as you remember there is One. And I simply believe, that ONE is a focus of who you are within. May it be a light of good and love, and a mindfulness of goodness towards others.

Life: The good and the bad

I know what it feels like to be living in a hotel with barely enough room or space to move around. Just 4 walls and one window a hard one to swallow, over a year and a half now of working just to keep a room so I won’t be completely homeless. I also know what it feels like in the midst of one storm to give love another chance, to end up with a manipulating and controlling man who wanted things his way and nothing more. And once I started speaking up his evil showed loud and clear, a man that used the excuse of another woman hurting him to his core in his past. And he confused this for love, and mentally and emotionally became stuck. I know what it feels like to cry all day, to go to sleep crying and wake up crying and some days simply don’t eat. I know what unspeakable pain is, I know how it feels to genuinely be alone. See I see things for what they are and that’s black and white and no in between, I have helped people when I had nothing and I did it freely. I have been there to encourage and push others, simply to be drained and treated like I had no value at all. I have spoke life just to be used in more ways than one, Lord I have done good and put good out. I have endured spite from jealous females and that’s old and young, one who acted off what she thought she knew just to try to cause me more pain. I’ll never understand why the black woman is so evil, why do they hate the truth when it is given to them? And why do they cause so much pain in each other’s life? Why do they not understand unity, and the strength in numbers?

I have been living in hell in so many ways and I have spoke truth through it all. No one should ever be okay with struggling or being down, if anything it should push you harder. It should push you to want to get out, and Dear God I desire to be out. I simply need Your help, and I need a hand I cannot do it on my own. I need healing in places people have caused pain, by taking from me and lying to me and using me up. Feeling drained from it all and still pushing through, I push through because I am determined to win and see GREATER than what I have seen. I refuse to believe You put people on this earth just to struggle, I refuse to believe that is the kind of Power you are. And this is why I speak truth to you daily, with hope that you hear my plea to turn these things around for the greater good. This is why I stress unity and to reach out to all your family and friends, stop with the indifference and judgement towards one another. Stop bringing pain to one another in selfish ways, and start loving in truth. This is done with actions and being there, stop judging someone’s struggle. And simply ask how can you be a help, being a help ain’t always financial. Being a help comes by hearing too and doing it with judgement free ears, simply hearing without judgement and being a ear. Don’t do it to laugh at the one in need, or gain information to try and use against them.

If you are going to be a help do it in spirit and in truth. Do it with the heart of God and love in your eyes, it’s simply time for those who call themselves family or friend to be a true example of grace and Love without rules and regulations. Love without a catch to it, love without a contract just simple pure LOVE!!!!

Your Job isn’t supposed to stress you.

There will be issues anywhere you go because all people aren’t the same. There will be people who gossip and have your name in their mouth, either good or bad there will be certain haters a long the way. You’ll have some that will congratulate you and try to destroy you at the same time. Some people allow their tittle to go to their head, and feel like that’s a excuse to reek havoc on people who won’t tolerate their disrespectful ways. Your title don’t give you permission to be rude, and don’t give you permission to be toxic or evil towards people. They don’t like you because you won’t tolerate their mess, you won’t tolerate their toxic be behavior towards you either. They don’t like you because you speak up, they basically want people who will kiss their butt and suck up and allow them to speak to them any kind of way.

Life don’t work like that and your job shouldn’t cause you stress. So much stress to the point it mess with your health. So much stress to the point it almost push you into depression, and cause unwanted anger or frustration and sickness you don’t need. Fact is some people are horrible beings, and their minds become corrupt with they reach a power trip. Their bad character starts to show, and they don’t care who they hurt. Don’t allow anything or anyone to stress you, respect is earned. Respect cannot be taken when it hasn’t been earned, and when it isn’t deserved. Make sure you take care of you, and don’t lose yourself or allow evil beings who are full of mess when. Put the evil of others under your feet, and move forward and stay focused on the good ahead of you. Fact is you don’t have to tolerate mess from messy beings, who basically live in the past. You don’t have to put up with gossiping vultures, who desire to suck the good out of you with their evil ways.

When Love ain’t enough

I want so bad to expose you for the selfish/manipulating/heartless being you are. But what good would that do me? What would I gain from stooping to the level of a foolish human, I remember pulling away and not saying a word. And here come the smallest message to get me to respond, you knew how I felt about you and used me in the smallest ways. Who mistreat a woman for loving them in truth, and literally was there when needed. We all go through emotional demons, and that’s still no excuse to hurt another. Anything I ever said to you was truth, like how could you hurt a good woman who genuinely loved you. Simply due to obsession over a female who wronged you and left you and became done with you. You kept me in your life on a string, and you played on my kindness like I was the puppet and you the master. A habitual liar and manipulator, and you know I love(d) you like none other.

I want so badly to say how bad I hate you for the pain your selfish ways caused. I’ll never forget going to bed crying, and then waking up crying from extreme pain of being hurt deeply by your selfish actions. It’s like what’s wrong with him? And why one minute is he up and the next he is down? The mental issues and the emotional disturbance in you, I’ll never understand how someone could be that way and I’ll never get why me? Like why do I end up loving ungrateful beings, just to be hurt and torn in the end.

I am beyond a good person and even when people like you wrong me, I try to hold mindfulness close and pray that you become a better you. I pray that you open your eyes, and let go of the selfish and heartless ways. I pray that you see the mistake you made, and I pray one day you seek forgiveness for the hurt you caused me and many who genuinely tried to love you in truth. When I realized it most definitely wasn’t me, and it was all you.