I been sleeping off and on for the last six days. I guess you could say I been mentally and emotionally drained, I was working through pain and a whole world of stress. Dealing with issue after issue, I remember saying I feel like I’m losing it. Anger at a all time high with a low state of mind, losing someone you loved dearly because of their ignorance and selfish ways. I was on the end of a ledge mentally and I was falling, I was falling for many reasons. And I couldn’t stop saying Lord help me, I was at the point of hating people and writing many off. This was simply because of the pain so many brought, I got tired. I got tired of work and I simply got tired of him, so I been sleeping and some days I been simply angry.
What I have learned is you cannot heal what you cover up or try to hide, and that’s why I’ll always continue to be me authentically and free. I refuse to be like him, cold and selfish and completely heartless and only care about himself and don’t take others feelings into consideration. Someone who has allowed pain to win, and is afraid to love and to be loved. Someone who almost changed me for the bad and almost stole the good from me. I will never excuse a selfish being who don’t have respect for others and aren’t mindful of others feelings or their heart. Someone who is manipulating and likes control, I can forgive and move on to heal me. But, I’ll never forget the pain and the lesson that was taught in the midst. I love too hard, and often that has been my biggest curse. It has been a pain pulling machine, and as a empath that can become draining in every single way.
It’s better to love than not to love at all and I won’t be afraid to let go and love again one day. I won’t make the next person pay for the mistakes of the one before, that would simply be selfish of me. I won’t block giving another a chance, simply because I know he will always be apart of me. A connection like none other with a magnetic field between us in spite of, one who taught me how to calm down and think a little more before moving or speaking. One who could hug me, and I literally felt safe in his arms. One I could play fight with and laugh with joy with, one who through the good and bad made me a better me. I’ll never not acknowledge a blessing in any lesson, I am too wise for that.
ladyebonyl 