No weapon formed against me shall prosper right? I can do all things through Christ that strengthen me right? I’ve never seen Him forsake the righteous right? For if you just wait on the Lord He shall renew your strength and you shall mount up with wings like a eagle 礪 right?
Mosses went through the storms and seas and him and his people wandered in the wilderness for 40 days and it only should’ve taken them a few. I’m not Mosses and his people I don’t live in Egypt and yet I question why my Exodus hasn’t come yet?
Everyone wants me to be BIGGER than my offenders and yet I ask what about me? How much more can they take from me? Why do I have to be BIGGER? I’m simply going to be still and wait for a response because you said You would handle my problems right? Well, I have a few that need reprimand. I have a few that really need to understand who You are.. Because I’ve been tired and I know this is what has drained my spirit and soul, and I’m left with the turmoil to heal completely from. And if one more person quotes the bible to me leaving out scriptures, we genuinely are going to have a huge problem.
It kinda reminds me of the whole time they told us no matter what to honor thy mother and father so your days on this earth shall be longer(used it as a tool of fear)
*Not speaking on that same bible saying “Parents provoke not your children to wrath.”
Can’t have one without the other and it’s the main problem so many provoke people to wrath in more than one way. Feeling as if they didn’t do nothing & they did so much wrong, if I have to hear Forgiveness isn’t for them it’s for your healing. And selfish people get away with not seeking forgiveness & apologizing for offending people. Especially when they know better I just might scream literally.
People have tried to force me to overcome something that was deep in my heart, a love that was pure and genuine not brought on by myself but it was mutual. And then to have a man that was your everything next to God, your prayer partner a friend and one I could confide in about anything. One I thought I could trust and will never understand, why he involved someone else in our business like he did. Like me pointing out truth, of indifference and mistreatment one minute the person was kind and being okay the next minute the person treated me as if I was his enemy.
There was a lot of damage and hurt done in this situation and I was utterly in love with this man. He taught me so much and my spiritual growth began with him being a awesome teacher, I loved him so much because at one time I saw the God in him. And what I feel like him not wanting to become between …… as he put it, he made the wrong choice and started mistreating me and broke my heart by lying. You cannot just overcome that, I’m not a man I am a woman and I have true feelings. I just don’t hop and get over people like they never existed, through the good and the bad. I desperately wanted even the so called friendship to end properly, to end with respect. And yet when I had to catch a hold of everything on my own, that’s what brought out that moment of I don’t care within me& pushed me over the deep end. The lies and the lies that continued, it’s something that really cannot be over until the proper closure come& the proper apologies.
Until the proper please forgive me comes from them and I’m sorry. I wish so badly that I had everything I needed, and then just maybe I wouldn’t be without the man I was so in love with because of his heart/pride. And I genuinely want people to mind their business, I never ran and told any issues or secrets he told me and to be betrayed not once and not twice but many times by him & in the situation I learned how to love in truth in spite of disappointment and hate at times I had towards him because of his actions. When I couldn’t stand his selfish ways, I have gotten better and yet I pray for complete healing of every wound that was left mainly because of him& his betrayal of the bond he said would never be broken.
I share my tears, I share my fears, I share my joys& my highs as well as my lows. I have to use the gift that God has given me, in the midst of the storms of hell sending people my way to try me. Or trying to bring up people from my past to anger me, hurt me, and cause me to live the traumatic experienced pain over again. I no longer see a therapist for this, I no longer have a coach for this concerning the trauma. And there’s one reason “I see the attacks before they come I sense them” I recognize the manipulation of hell and it’s tactics to kill/take/destroy and I got a bulls eye like a red dot painted on my head because I refuse to die. I mean if people really understood the power of your mind, and how you have the authority to rule Victory over defeat so many could conquer what’s sent to try and make them stumble. Let me clarify “I refuse to die” through pain in my body that sometimes causes my mind to roam and question “why” and thoughts begin to come to my mind how much longer& tears roll down my face because it hurts that much. I refuse to die in spite of until my purpose is finished, I got too much purpose inside in the midst of pain& not understanding some situations to allow it to defeat my will to win& conquer and get and give all that I’m called to receive and give in this realm of life& when my work is done& I’m empty I’ll go peacefully to sleep & rest eternal until the day the trumpets sound to awaken me for judgement. Until then I’m here to give hell all I got, I’m here to encourage, to push, to heal, to help, to conquer, to learn, to live, and to breathe life into any death situation. I’m most definitely not who I used to be this fragile being…. I’m becoming & daily I become wiser through my tears& I become more brave and more awakened. I defeat depressed times by speaking truth of I’m determined to not look back and daily I remind myself there’s no reason to. When my flesh desires to overthink “my will” “my rules” “my balance” and the depth of respect I give to all to be returned back. I remind myself there’s no 3rd chance’s for people, who mind stays stuck in a form of no growth & it keeps me leveled up. And it keeps me protected from traveling with snakes, I refuse to be poisoned or manipulated by the evilness and selfish/prideful ways of others who mean me no good& I refuse to let hell tear me down. I’ve been equipped and graced to tear hell up on every level and win every time.
It’s 6:20 am on a Thursday morning and I’ve been up for hours. I really don’t blog anymore until I am given permission and freedom to, I’m feeling a lot of pain in my heart and soul. I feel some for me and yet I feel the pain/confusion of another, I also feel a bit of resentment for reasons I’ll leave out this blog. Because by the ending you’ll understand why& I don’t want to unload on others so much. I was lead to watch a movie it literally popped in my spirit, I remember the teaching moments that came from it when I watched it years ago. And I feel like the Spirit of the living God lead me back for a reason I’ll explain, as tears of healing ran down my face.
Before I even watched the movie I sent this one person(the one I came to know after my soulmate) a message. I told him how we needed to let each other go, because he made the choice of where he wanted to be& he couldn’t have me either. I’ve personally been here before with the message & I would unsend it because of the soul tie that kept us bound, I knew he wouldn’t let me go so I personally had to do it for the both of us and I will stay strong and the message wasn’t unsent either. As women we give so much and love is at the top of that list, we sacrifice so much and yet receive so little in return because when we love. We love with our whole heart and soul and as Beyoncé said, the best part we always end up giving is sacrifice and sometimes we sacrifice ourselves in the process.
I sacrificed myself for almost 10 years with the man I genuinely loved with my heart & soul and the man I always told it was like I knew him from another life. A man that knew the depth of the love I had for him, and just how much and watching that movie reminded me just how much. I feel his soul still!!! (It was a bond and divine connection and nothing intimate) But what happens when you have to let go of a person, that no longer serves you purpose in your life? A person you feel judged your flaws, and became so mean and hateful towards you simply because you loved him so much. And he was a huge reason why you loved him so much, he was a friend, he was one who prayed for you, he encouraged you and helped save your life by loving you to the point it gave you comfort and peace and strength. And yet your love for him, was greater than the love he had for you.
Love is kind ✨
You learn to live without the one you love and your soul will always be connected to. You understand that everything has a season, and you understand you cannot force anyone to receive all the Love you have to offer them. Sometimes they are blinded by what they think is better, keep in mind even through all your flaws you have to remember it doesn’t get no better than you. And the love in the movie’s can be real too, there will be a man that loves you without judgment and doesn’t hold anything against you because he knows he’ll never find no one better than you. And deep down inside he knows that love you gave him, he will desire for it when it’s too late and that’s simply not your fault. Because any man that genuinely loves you, will love you through it all and you will be his one and only. He understands there’s no perfect woman, and he’s not a perfect man. When judgement has overshadowed the purpose, and one gives up the fight for real love either due to outside voices from others overshadowing his own heart desires.
It’s simply best to find your way through the pain and the hurt full with disappointment. And know by faith, that on the other side of a broken heart is joy and restoration and someone down the path of life that will be exactly what you are& that’s Love. They’ll understand the meaning and value the word of God, when He speaks about what Love truly is. And in that movie a young boy who did what it took to fit in with the popular people. He learned at a young age what Love truly was, and loved a young dying girl that wasn’t popular until her last days upon the earth because she was sick and lost her battle with cancer and found her miracle in him. He gave her what so many men lack these days, he gave her his heart without fear. Only fear he had was not making every moment count, with the woman he wasn’t afraid to love with her flaws and all. We all have flaws and aren’t perfect, and yet women are rejected so much for this. Sometimes that rejection comes because of the unhealthy wounds within that man, he judges in her what needs to be healed in him.
This just might be short but I’m in a unexplainable phase of I miss him so much, even after all he’s done and caused I miss him so much. I never came to love that man because of his looks, I came to love that man for his heart in the beginning and feeling a spiritual connection to him. And knowing without a doubt that man was and is meant to be my husband, but people allow pride and circumstances to get in the way they don’t look deeper and they don’t see the full potential no matter the layers that one might have. I’ve cried so many tears out of my eyes it’s simply my heart that’s crying now, it hurts and it aches and it’s in genuine pain.
No matter how busy I try to keep myself and how hard I pray for strength. I always end up right back here, maybe I should’ve been a lot more things and yet I could never throw myself at the person I protected, I covered, I prayed, I valued, I honored, I adored, and I forgave him so many times I’m the one that went through long suffering concerning him. And the man knew how much I loved him, and how much he meant to me. Next to God he genuinely was my everything it’s 4:45 am and for the last few days he’s been on my heart& running through my mind. I genuinely love that man omg why could or I should say why did he just not let go completely. Kept telling me he never wanted to come between me& the one attached to my name, it’s nothing more than that anymore. Because it’s like how many times can a evil human show their true colors & protect what would be considered a outsider not once has this happened. It’s happened more than once, if only I could’ve received the same protection. And yet deep down inside the being deeply involved, and in the middle and trying to control the situation makes me dislike every single thing about that human and his ways.
Truth is he should’ve stayed out the way and never got involved & it’s where so many things went wrong. And I honestly feel like he was jealous of the connection we did have, too worried and to deceitful talking down on me on more than one occasion. Why would someone who claim to love you, ever sit and say no man wants a sick wife. I’ll never forget those words and so many more, and while he spent so much time building others up playing favoritism and showing indifference he worked overtime to try and tear me down& have the nerve to try and call me negative. Not realizing how toxic of a human he is/been/still is and no change has came, every word spoken was truth. Not only to him but those who favored him, not knowing the whole side and I could care less who’s angry or mad for me simply telling them how toxic they are/still is. Enough about the huge reason me and the man I loved genuinely couldn’t be, not caring what he tried to say I know the depth of it and will never forget every conversation. And then to slap me in my face with a broken promise, and every single time he would see me there was this guilty look upon his face.
I’m so tired of selfish/prideful/judgemental men who see so much with there eyes(I know it has nothing to do with looks) because…. Anyways, that person ain’t even worth my time not fit to be anything with so much more growing to do in so many ways. I allowed the anger from the broken promises he made to me, to let me lash out 9 years of what I held in to protect him even when there were times he let me down to try& cover himself concerning the control of another. I wish I never allowed that, I should took a stand with grace no matter how much it hurt& brought pain to me.
Even after asking for forgiveness I learned a valuable lesson here. And I’m simply grateful for my growth and maturity as a true grown woman, who accept accountability and learn and strive daily to be a even more better version of myself.
When the Offenders play victim… this will personally be my last time looking back. I will basically say this will be my last time looking back at this situation, because while I’m doing the work to heal& undo the damage I unintentionally allowed people to do. You still have those living in denial concerning their wrong doings, but I know I cannot change that& some people have too much pride and simply refuse to accept accountability. It’s a narcissistic move, everyone else around is always wrong but them. And they tend to spew off on the real victims the turmoil within themselves, it’s a battle of love and hate they fight within. So in all truth when someone mistreat you, it truly says so much about the war they are fighting within themselves. And inflicting pain off on innocent people, is their way to hold power and feel like they are in control & try to make themselves feel good about their battle within their own mind.
It’s not them it’s you
If most of your relationships failed in the past and you as a human tried to paint them out to be the bad person. Oh this person is too ghetto, I cannot take this person home to mother. Or this person is chasing me& yet you invited attention, you thrive off attention and you love attention and spirit is/was beyond flirtatious. And then when people get close you pull away, or as human trying to control a woman and what she does& if she doesn’t play by the beat of your drums you speak negativity into her life. You make her feel and seem as if she is a robber & truth is you are robbing her& robbed many for a long time & simply refuse to see your narcissist behavior.
A woman is only going to go as far as a man allows her to go. A real woman will never be desperate or act desperate or chase a man. A real woman understand that it’s he who finds a wife finds a good thing, and no good thing is selfish or prideful or have the victim mentality when truth is their miss guidance, disloyalty, gossiping and so much more created the victim/victims. And yet a narcissist will never see their wrong, or take accountability in the part they played in others pain. As long as you play by their rules everything is good, and when you no longer play by their rules or allow them to control you. It’s then when you become the bad person & all of a sudden the offenders become these false victims.
Don’t stay too long.
Empathetic aren’t don’t stay too long and acknowledge the red flags. Don’t ignore them because it’s then you become the string pulling fool, you see how they treat you with indifference and play favoritism and believe lies over truth. Don’t continue to allow that, because you teach people how to treat you by what you allow & if you continue to allow disrespect that’s what you’ll keep getting. You have to understand when to get up from the table, because if you continue to sit at a table you aren’t respected at for no other reason than some people heart is simply not right. And full of judgement and they need to do a heart check, you are unintentionally with the hope they’ll change. You are handing them poison to feed you, so know when it’s time to go and move on for your peace.
ladyebonyl 