Healing after the pain.

You cannot blame me for loving you in the beginning you made it easy. And there’s no doubt in my mind you loved me too, and so many things began to block your view. Pride was at the top of that list and judgement was it’s twin, you spoke so many things. And now I understand better than ever if it brings confusion, let it go it’s not worth the stress or the long suffering you know? No one cared about the pain I felt and was only concerned with what about…. 10 years I been knowing ya. A bond I thought was strong was built with ya, I remember the many times I tried to break free from ya. And then look at my phone after months of not talking to ya. “I’m just checking on ya.” Sometimes those texts from you scared me because I’m like, I haven’t reached out to you and you haven’t to me. And then here you come I really wish you would’ve let me be, I never wanted to feel the way I did. And yet my spirit kept me close to you, I saw the Divine that had me connected to you& you simply couldn’t get past all the things I shared with you.

I should hate you for the pain you brought and in the end you spoke to the wrong one. I was just hoping you were man enough to face me, face me due to the lie you told me and yet I know it was pride/still is pride. No one had to tell me anything I saw it never underestimate me, it’s been so many problem with me. You, them, him simply don’t understand how spiritually connected I’ve always been. I had to endure a broken heart, I had to endure betrayal oh btw I have always had friends I simply cleaned the list of the snakes I found out I couldn’t trust. Sad world we live in the old to the young and young to the old, simply petty and messy & will smile in your face and show their teeth them same teeth they used to bite on my name. Ever wanted to know what was said should’ve came to me, the sharing my most private moments of truth to you. (Betrayal) see over and over again you stabbed me in my back, and I for 10 years allowed love to win. The day I saw that, was the day I lost all respect for you.

My heart broke into pieces the pain was deep I simply couldn’t believe it. I mourned I grieved it was like a death to me, I cried day and night any thoughts of you no longer there and you said you would never allow anyone to come between our bond. I literally had to pray, weap, and mourn all over again because my heart had been truly broken into pieces. And to think I would ever hurt you or bring pain to you, I mean you really must be insane and yet I know exactly who/where you got that idea from. And your falsifying things only proves one thing, I won I never lost I truly escaped so much& after the healing I’m very beyond grateful. Because the Lord simply knew you weren’t strong enough, and you never deserved someone as loyal as I was to you& never would’ve judged you I kept loving even when others questioned why? Because I was supposed to and I understand, you were my greatest lessons.

My prayer is one day God sends a good strong man who’s capable & more than ready to see my heart and not any flaws. That’s not scared to receive all the love that’s been restored & ready to give. That’s not fearful of any situations in my life and see me as the blessing I am, and not a burden simply because I deal with some health situation’s that don’t make me who I am. Because I am strength& I am a overcomer, who is fearfully and wonderfully made in God’s image. And I’m a prize of so much greatness inside, I thank you though because everything I went through concerning you and you been the ring leader in so much of my pain. You know all that you are guilty of and I don’t have to expose it, loving you in truth with no hidden agenda genuinely made me stronger and much wiser& I’m so much better after the pain.

New Destiny

I heard the Spirit of The Lord say new destiny.. It had popped in my spirit earlier to read Jermiah 10:11 and as I began to get ready to lay down, I heard clearly “New Destiny” and then it came to me about the tree. One that’s unshakable, one that’s unmovable, and one that bear fresh fruit. I see that on this path, there will be test and trials that’s going to come. Trials not sent to break you, these are trials that are sent to prepare you for your new destiny. You cannot see it and yet it’s ahead& where you are going, you have to be like that tree planted and deeply rooted in the word.

I’ve always known that there has to be a pure anointing upon my life. To went through what I’ve been through, I mean on the brink of giving up and felt like I was suffocating and yet I’m still here. In spite of pain, in spite of disappointment, in spite of indifference thank God I’m still here. Yes the water has been troubled many times and that higher power wouldn’t let me drown, in the midst of heartache and simply feeling broken I just recently came out of a separation. I separated myself from what I knew, because I was looking for understanding. And in the midst of looking I simply had nothing to say to God, all I knew is worry and stress from test I had to have caused unwanted anxiety. And my thing was I believe You and I trust You, but why am I still so scared here? Not knowing what’s going on with your body or certain things, can bring you to a point of anxiety.

Yet the word of God says He hasn’t given us a spirit of fear. He has given us one of power& love and a sound mind(to have a sound mind means to be still and calm) I know! It’s so much more easier said than done & I know because I’ve lived through it. As I begin to move forward in this New Destiny, I prepare myself greatly for the task ahead and I’m being prepared. It’s not a easy journey and sometimes it’s uncomfortable, and yet I know spiritually I am covered and I’ve been covered through it all. I’ve lost many things on the path and that’s okay, I’ve lost many people on the path and that’s okay. Because one thing I’m certain of is old things cannot travel with you, into your “New Destiny” so you cannot be afraid to let the old go and anything/anyone that no longer serves you purpose and might block you from what’s ahead and the good that’s waiting for you.

In spite of: I’ll love you eternal ACE..

This just might be short but I’m in a unexplainable phase of I miss him so much, even after all he’s done and caused I miss him so much. I never came to love that man because of his looks, I came to love that man for his heart in the beginning and feeling a spiritual connection to him. And knowing without a doubt that man was and is meant to be my husband, but people allow pride and circumstances to get in the way they don’t look deeper and they don’t see the full potential no matter the layers that one might have. I’ve cried so many tears out of my eyes it’s simply my heart that’s crying now, it hurts and it aches and it’s in genuine pain.

No matter how busy I try to keep myself and how hard I pray for strength. I always end up right back here, maybe I should’ve been a lot more things and yet I could never throw myself at the person I protected, I covered, I prayed, I valued, I honored, I adored, and I forgave him so many times I’m the one that went through long suffering concerning him. And the man knew how much I loved him, and how much he meant to me. Next to God he genuinely was my everything it’s 4:45 am and for the last few days he’s been on my heart& running through my mind. I genuinely love that man omg why could or I should say why did he just not let go completely. Kept telling me he never wanted to come between me& the one attached to my name, it’s nothing more than that anymore. Because it’s like how many times can a evil human show their true colors & protect what would be considered a outsider not once has this happened. It’s happened more than once, if only I could’ve received the same protection. And yet deep down inside the being deeply involved, and in the middle and trying to control the situation makes me dislike every single thing about that human and his ways.

Truth is he should’ve stayed out the way and never got involved & it’s where so many things went wrong. And I honestly feel like he was jealous of the connection we did have, too worried and to deceitful talking down on me on more than one occasion. Why would someone who claim to love you, ever sit and say no man wants a sick wife. I’ll never forget those words and so many more, and while he spent so much time building others up playing favoritism and showing indifference he worked overtime to try and tear me down& have the nerve to try and call me negative. Not realizing how toxic of a human he is/been/still is and no change has came, every word spoken was truth. Not only to him but those who favored him, not knowing the whole side and I could care less who’s angry or mad for me simply telling them how toxic they are/still is. Enough about the huge reason me and the man I loved genuinely couldn’t be, not caring what he tried to say I know the depth of it and will never forget every conversation. And then to slap me in my face with a broken promise, and every single time he would see me there was this guilty look upon his face.

I’m so tired of selfish/prideful/judgemental men who see so much with there eyes(I know it has nothing to do with looks) because…. Anyways, that person ain’t even worth my time not fit to be anything with so much more growing to do in so many ways. I allowed the anger from the broken promises he made to me, to let me lash out 9 years of what I held in to protect him even when there were times he let me down to try& cover himself concerning the control of another. I wish I never allowed that, I should took a stand with grace no matter how much it hurt& brought pain to me.

Even after asking for forgiveness I learned a valuable lesson here. And I’m simply grateful for my growth and maturity as a true grown woman, who accept accountability and learn and strive daily to be a even more better version of myself.

When the offenders play the victim.

When the Offenders play victim… this will personally be my last time looking back. I will basically say this will be my last time looking back at this situation, because while I’m doing the work to heal& undo the damage I unintentionally allowed people to do. You still have those living in denial concerning their wrong doings, but I know I cannot change that& some people have too much pride and simply refuse to accept accountability. It’s a narcissistic move, everyone else around is always wrong but them. And they tend to spew off on the real victims the turmoil within themselves, it’s a battle of love and hate they fight within. So in all truth when someone mistreat you, it truly says so much about the war they are fighting within themselves. And inflicting pain off on innocent people, is their way to hold power and feel like they are in control & try to make themselves feel good about their battle within their own mind.

It’s not them it’s you

If most of your relationships failed in the past and you as a human tried to paint them out to be the bad person. Oh this person is too ghetto, I cannot take this person home to mother. Or this person is chasing me& yet you invited attention, you thrive off attention and you love attention and spirit is/was beyond flirtatious. And then when people get close you pull away, or as human trying to control a woman and what she does& if she doesn’t play by the beat of your drums you speak negativity into her life. You make her feel and seem as if she is a robber & truth is you are robbing her& robbed many for a long time & simply refuse to see your narcissist behavior.

A woman is only going to go as far as a man allows her to go. A real woman will never be desperate or act desperate or chase a man. A real woman understand that it’s he who finds a wife finds a good thing, and no good thing is selfish or prideful or have the victim mentality when truth is their miss guidance, disloyalty, gossiping and so much more created the victim/victims. And yet a narcissist will never see their wrong, or take accountability in the part they played in others pain. As long as you play by their rules everything is good, and when you no longer play by their rules or allow them to control you. It’s then when you become the bad person & all of a sudden the offenders become these false victims.

Don’t stay too long.

Empathetic aren’t don’t stay too long and acknowledge the red flags. Don’t ignore them because it’s then you become the string pulling fool, you see how they treat you with indifference and play favoritism and believe lies over truth. Don’t continue to allow that, because you teach people how to treat you by what you allow & if you continue to allow disrespect that’s what you’ll keep getting. You have to understand when to get up from the table, because if you continue to sit at a table you aren’t respected at for no other reason than some people heart is simply not right. And full of judgement and they need to do a heart check, you are unintentionally with the hope they’ll change. You are handing them poison to feed you, so know when it’s time to go and move on for your peace.